


my heart's saying (don't let go)

by unintentionallyangsty



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Angst, Awkward Flirting, Boys In Love, Brotzly - Freeform, Dating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Dates, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, M/M, Miscommunication, Multiple chapters, Not Beta Read, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, They're both awkward, Todd has pararibulitis, over-enthusiastic use of parenthesis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-10-14 23:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 35,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17517764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unintentionallyangsty/pseuds/unintentionallyangsty
Summary: Having just recently contracted Pararibulitis, Todd Brotzman has been living his life suspended in an unvarying slog of unfulfilling jobs and shallow depression, content to simply keep his head above water and go on surviving...Which is made somewhat difficult due to the unexpected and incredibly inconvenient infatuation he develops toward one Dirk Gently, the eccentric and colorful florist who has recently begun working just across the street.(alternatively; a simple coffee shop/flower shop au that carried itself just a bit out of hand).





	1. "Name?"

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [eloquencejones](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloquencejones/pseuds/eloquencejones) in the [gentlychallenge](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/gentlychallenge) collection. 



> so, i made my way back!
> 
> i can't even describe how much Dirk Gently has kept me sane over the past few months (writing this fic, in particular). i really missed being a part of that community, and i hope that this is enjoyable for at least a fraction of you. xx

“He’s here!”

Todd blinked in the face of his sister’s bubbling enthusiasm, fighting the urge to take a step back, and replied, “Who?” with a small and weary shake of his head.

Amanda rolled her eyes in exasperation, groaning and bouncing a bit before insisting, “That cute guy! The one with all the ties? He’s here!”

As the words registered, Todd felt his eyes widen in trepidation. “Shit!” he hissed, biting his lip and darting a frantic look around the interior of the coffee shop before making to duck hastily into the back room.

“Where are you going?” Amanda demanded, lunging across the counter and snagging the sleeve of Todd’s flannel between her fingers. “This is your chance!”

“I’m gonna go get Farah.” Todd muttered, dropping his gaze so he wouldn’t have to watch the disappointment inevitably blooming across Amanda’s face. “To--to help.”

“Todd!” Amanda whined, yanking on the sleeve she was still gripping until Todd was forced to meet her eyes. “Dude. This is your _chance_. Don’t be a pussy about it!”

“That seems unnecessarily harsh.” Todd frowned.

“If you’re gonna flake out on this-- _again!_ ” Amanda cried loudly, when Todd made to turn away a second time. “Then it’s not harsh enough.”

“Amanda,” Todd began, taking a deep and steadying breath and willing himself not bolt for the safety of the back room, just yet. “Maybe it’s not--”

“Excuse me?” a voice (a distinctly British voice, Todd realized with an already sinking heart) interrupted the argument timidly. “Sorry, don’t mean to interrupt...whatever this is.”

Amanda’s face lit up brightly then, and she squeezed Todd’s arm (a bit tighter than would have been considered necessary) before turning to face the source of the inquiry.

“Don’t be sorry.” she dismissed with a grin so large her cheeks dimpled with the force of it, and took a step closer to the man who was stood at the other end of the counter.

Todd felt his heart leap slightly at the sight of him stood there, his coppery auburn hair bouncing pleasantly off the emerald plaid of the fitted blazer he wore; a bright flash of color in the otherwise muted surrounding shop.

“You probably wanna order, huh?” Amanda continued, and jabbed a thumb over her shoulder in Todd’s direction. “I won’t keep this loser any longer.”

“I--You--” the man sputtered, glancing between Amanda and Todd tentatively. “Oh, um. Thank you?”

“Nooo. Thank _you_.” Amanda patted the man’s arm twice before sticking her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket, tossing Todd a wink over her shoulder, and flouncing away.

Todd resisted the urge to roll his eyes and, when met with the man’s inquiring gaze now focussed on him, grit his teeth and resigned himself to moving back toward the register.

“Hey,” he greeted weakly, unable to muster anything closer to a smile than a small grimace. “Sorry about--Well. That’s just...my sister.” he finished a little lamely, glancing away and praying that the steady flush spreading across his nose and cheekbones wasn’t as obvious as it felt.

“Oh!” the man replied, bouncing slightly and glancing toward where Amanda had exited moments before. “She seemed um...Nice?”

“She’s an asshole.” Todd dismissed before he could think about the response, though there was no real heat behind the words.

“O-oh.” The man replied, his steadily growing smile dimming somewhat ( _Shit_ , Todd thought, his stomach dropping slightly). “Um, well...”

“Did you want your usual?” Todd prompted, wanting now to simply get the disastrous interaction over with, and to move on as quickly as possible.

He reached for a cup off the stack to the left of the register, fumbled it, and watched it clatter to the ground below in dismay.

Shit.

“Oh, uh...Actually I--Well, I didn’t know if--”

From behind the man, a customer who had queued up there near the beginning of the whole fiasco cleared her throat, cutting the stream of conversation off and saving Todd from the painfully drawn out interaction.

“Oh, um yes.” the man responded with a quick nod, his brows furrowing slightly.

“Cool.” Todd replied lamely, reaching for another cup and (blessedly) maintaining his grip, this time. “Name?”

He wasn’t sure why he said it, or what had prompted him to do so in the first place, but Todd was pointedly aware of his mistake when the man’s bright expression dimmed down to something uncomfortably close to a pout at the inquiry.

“Oh, it’s uh...It’s Dirk.” he offered, at last.

“Right,” Todd coughed a little and scribbled the name onto the cup. From the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Farah re-emerging from the back room ( _too late!_ ) and felt his heart stutter in relief. “That’ll be right out.”

“Oh, um.” the man (Dirk) floundered slightly, before seemingly wilting slightly. “Right. Thank you, Todd.”

Todd hummed, and quickly turned to prepare the drink in order to hide his still somewhat flushed face from view, as well as ignore the disappointment that had splashed itself across Dirk’s expression when he’d (stupidly) asked for a name in the first place.

The thing was, he wasn’t sure why he’d done it. He knew Dirk’s name. The man had introduced himself immediately during his first visit to the little shop nearly two months before, all smiles and brightly colored clothing and eager conversation.

Since then, he’d visited nearly three times a week on the regular. According to him, his own job was just across the street; a flower shop, Todd had realized moments after having been provided with the information, and had nearly laughed outright at how well it seemed to fit the bright and somewhat odd man.

The fact of the matter, however, was that he had offered Todd his name during each visit to the cafe since his first.

And yet Todd had continued to ask.

_Fucking stupid_ , Todd thought bitterly, pouring hot water into the cup he held with a bit more ferocity than necessary, and sloshing a bit onto his exposed hand as a result.

_Self-sabotage at it’s finest_ , he mused, hissing slightly in pain. _Classic_.

It was probably for the better, Todd decided, shoving the warm tea onto the counter and avoiding both Dirk and Farah’s curious gazes to instead disappear into the back room, immediately hastening to the nearest sink to run his now throbbing hand under the tap.

If he hadn’t managed to hold at least one conversation with Dirk within the few months since they’d become acquainted with each other without royally fucking it up, maybe it was in both their best interests simply to move on and forget about it--before things got worse.

\---

“So...Dirk.”

Todd jolted a bit, coming close to sloshing his nearly full beer onto the already sticky bar below, and forced himself to meet Farah’s questioning gaze unflinchingly. “Who?”

If the deadpan stare he received in return was anything to go by, he hadn’t sold the indifference as well as he had been hoping.

(Then again, he considered, the transparency could have simply been chalked up to the fact that he was already starting on his third drink of the evening).

With a resigned and heavy exhale, Todd leaned forward onto the bar and took a long swig of his beer before replying, “It went...Not great.”

“It looked like it went pretty bad.”

“I--” Todd winced slightly. “I asked for his name. Again.”

“What--” Farah raised an incredulous brow and opened her mouth to speak before seemingly deciding against it, and instead taking a long sip from her own beer, wearing a somewhat pained expression as she did so.

“You know his name, Todd.” she finally managed, still looking somewhat stricken.

“I--I don’t really know what made me do it.” Todd admitted with a grimace. “It felt--Amanda was there and she made it...It was weird.”

“ _Amanda_ made it weird?” Farah challenged drily. And though it was spoken as a question, Todd knew from experience that it wasn’t.

“I don’t know.” he muttered, taking another sip of his drink moodily. “Everything with him is always just...weird. Like last time!” he cried suddenly, causing Farah to jolt a bit at the sudden rise in volume. “There was that lady with all the dogs in the shop, and I had to tell her to leave and--and that made it weird. And the time before that, when he wouldn’t stop smiling and telling me about some weird party-thing he’d been to back in England. How was I supposed to respond to that? It’s always just...it’s weird, okay?”

Todd sat for a moment, panting slightly after his outburst, before turning back to the bar to pout into his drink rather than meet Farah’s speculative gaze.

“Are you sure you’re not just...forcibly making things weird?” Farah finally questioned, not unkindly.

“I--” Todd frowned down at his crossed arms for a long moment. “I don’t know.” he finally admitted on a murmur. “Maybe? I just…” he sighed heavily. “Maybe…”

“Hey, Todd.” Farah began, tentatively, her tone carefully composed, though there was an underlying concern held just beneath it. “I know you haven’t...had the easiest time….putting yourself out there since...well, since--”

“It’s fine.” Todd dismissed quickly, willing his breaths to remain cool and even in the face of the sudden scrutiny, “But...maybe it’s one of those things, Farah. Maybe I should just let it go.”

“Todd,” Farah argued, shaking her head in bewilderment. “You’ve been pining after this guy for months! Since the first time he walked into the shop.” she leaned forward to catch his fleeting gaze again. “That doesn’t sound like ‘one of those things’. You shouldn’t give up. Besides,” she reached out to squeeze his arm softly before leaning back to grab her drink again. “I think it’s pretty obvious that he’s got a thing for you, too.”

Todd snorted slightly, but couldn’t deny the tremor of hurt that went through him at the words. 

Allowing himself to even consider the possibility felt like just a bit too much, at the moment.

“Yeah, right.” Todd scoffed, at length, keeping his gaze trained steadily on his drink.

“If you’re that determined to fail, why even entertain the possibility for this long?” Farah demanded immediately, her gaze heavy and challenging and totally unrelenting.

“I--I don’t know.” Todd muttered, finally willing himself to glance upward and meet that steady gaze head on.

“Then try.” Farah replied with a shrug, as if it were an incredibly simple solution, and offered a small smile. “ _Actually_ try, Todd.”

Todd found himself returning the smile automatically, albeit a little weakly.

The expression fell from his face moments later, however, and he turned to take another long drink past the sudden lump that had formed in his throat.

“I might,” Todd finally muttered after a few minutes had passed, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled between them and turning to face Farah again with a tremulous smile.

It wasn’t a promise, and it certainly wasn’t confident, but Farah’s answering grin was blinding enough that Todd was unable to ignore the glimmer of hope he felt, regardless.


	2. "I think you're missing the point."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk pines, and follows a blind surge of confidence into a hasty decision.  
> Todd, meanwhile, isn't having the best time, and is left (arguably) more confused than he started out--a feat in itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was too eager to share a bit more of this, so i'm letting myself update a little early.  
> regular updates should take place within (at most) a week of each other xx love you all!

Dirk Gently’s mornings were something he held to a very specific and rigid schedule.

It began with tea; something he’d developed a taste for at the ripe age of 12, and wasn’t entirely sure he could live without, now.

A healthy splash of cream and two sugars.

Ordinarily, it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Dirk to become so focussed on perfecting his morning tea preparations that he inevitably lost track of time and, upon realizing how close he was to leaving late for work, would skitter nervously into a quick shower before grabbing whatever clean set of clothes was most readily available, and whichever coat was closest to the door as he bolted through it in order to narrowly avoid (another) late start to the workday.

Upon his arrival at work, Dirk found it most productive if he sped through his daily task list (if a little haphazardly) within the first hour and a half of his shift; before his boss was liable to show up, and before the surrounding businesses in the square began to stir with activity.

Following this, Dirk Gently could most likely be found sat at the front counter of _Bergsberg Floral_ , hands held primly on the counter before him and eyes trained hopefully on the coffee shop across the street.

More accurately, trained on the barista entering the coffee shop across the street to begin his shift that most commonly started two hours after Dirk’s, the weariness surrounding his small frame noticeable even from where Dirk was sat, clean across the square entirely.

Though he tried to chalk it up to simply being in direct line-of-sight, Dirk did feel a bit shifty about his near-daily observations of Todd the Barista’s day. However, he could hardly help the fact that the universe had seen fit to simply drop such a beautiful human being directly into the establishment across from him.

Even one as dreadfully named as _Spring’s Cafe_.

“Watching ol’ blue-eyes again, huh?”

“Hobbs!” Dirk yelped, starting a bit where he was sat at the counter now and nearly knocking the delicately arranged vase of sunflowers at his elbow to the floor. “I was just--” he trailed off, fumbling around the counter in a desperate scramble for something to latch onto before triumphantly presenting a roll of scotch tape. “Taping.”

“Taping?” Hobbs echoed, raising a brow and glancing around the (near-empty besides the flowers) desk, but neglecting to comment.

“Yes, I--” Dirk began, before sighing and deflating a bit. “You’re never in quite so early.” he finally confessed, tossing the tape back onto the counter behind and wincing slightly as it clattered to the floor, instead.

“Figured I’d pop in and check on the progress of the Cardenas project.” Hobbs grinned slightly and eyed the single bouquet on the desk.

“Ah, yes. That.” Dirk flushed a bit and scooped the bouquet up, if nothing else but for something to do with his hands. “That’s just one out of...um,”

“15.” Hobbs finished for him, not unkindly, striding forward to stand beside Dirk and peering out the front windows across the square himself. “So...how’s his shift going, comparatively?”

“Not well, I’m afraid.” Dirk didn’t bother asking who Hobbs was referring to (he’d caught Dirk “in the act” too many times now to feign complete innocence). “He’s spilled two drinks, already. And slipped in one of them.”

Hobbs let out a hearty laugh and clapped Dirk’s shoulder warmly. “You gonna go talk to him today?” he glanced sideways to give Dirk a small smile.

Dirk felt his own smile slip a little. “I’m...not too sure.” he admitted, wilting slightly at the prospect. “Last time didn’t go...entirely according to plan.”

“Hey, that’s not the end of the world.” Hobbs shook his shoulder a bit. “I remember my first time asking someone on a date. It was a whole disaster. Just nearly held himself back from laughing in my face, I think.”

“Thank you, Hobbs, but that’s really not too encouraging.” Dirk pouted a bit, his stomach tightening slightly at the idea.

It was a little too close to a valid possibility, at present, if Dirk was being honest with himself.

“Ah, right. Sorry.” Hobbs cleared his throat. “You just...gonna give up, then?”

“No!” Dirk cried, before he could stop the word from escaping, and flushed a bit at just how vehement it came out. “I mean...maybe it’d be more prudent. He’s made his lack of interest perfectly clear, I think.”

“I’m thinking,” Hobbs began, leaning forward until Dirk was forced to meet his eye. “That if he’s as lousy at expressing interest as he is at makin’ coffee, that you might just have a chance.”

Unbidden, a laugh bubbled up out of Dirk’s chest, and he and Hobbs stood in a fit of schoolboy-like giggles for a long moment.

“You know,” Dirk murmured, once they’d gotten a hold of themselves, a glimmer of inarguable hope warming his entire being. “I’m thinking you might be right.”

“There’s a first time for everything.” Hobbs chuckled. “And Dirk?”

Dirk hummed in acknowledgement, his gaze already having wandered back toward _Spring’s,_ unbidden.

“Go ahead and finish a couple more of the Cardenas bunches before you go, how ‘bout? They’re comin’ round to pick them up tonight, so--”

“Right!” Dirk chirped, forcing his gaze away (he’d have a much closer view soon, anyway) from the coffee shop and scurrying toward the back room, the sound of Hobbs’ good-natured laughter following him.

\---

It was, Dirk would later consider in hindsight, probably inevitable that the universe would feel the need to slap a sense of reality back into him, following such a surge of blind confidence.

When he entered _Spring’s_ later that afternoon, however, the opposite had seemed true.

At the ringing of the bell above the door as Dirk stepped in and out of the chilled winter air, Todd glanced up from the milk he was steaming and, catching sight of Dirk, offered a slightly tentative smile; a bit crooked, but brighter than Dirk had ever seen it, leading up to this point.

The shop was relatively empty, and Dirk was able to approach the counter without waiting behind anyone (something he was equal parts grateful for and regretful of, as it gave him much less time to prepare himself than he’d initially been counting on).

“Hey...Dirk.” Todd greeted, when he was stood at the counter, the words a little soft and hesitant, but the smile still in place.

Dirk felt his own smile begin to grow at the acknowledgement. “You remembered!” he cried, before he could rethink the words.

“Yeah, well…” Todd chuckled a bit, before seeming to make a decision and letting the sentence trail off there. “How’s uh--how’s work?” he questioned, glancing behind Dirk habitually, almost as if checking on the non-existent queue behind.

“Dreadfully dull.” Dirk rolled his eyes and, after a small moment’s hesitation, allowed himself to lean forward and prop himself up against the counter with both elbows (not missing the way Todd’s eyes widened at the action, nor the _incredibly_ interesting light pink flush that spread across his lightly freckled nose). “We had a somewhat large order today, but after that was over and done with there was really been nothing worth sticking around for, if I’m honest.”

“Really?” Todd blinked and, after setting the drink he’d been working on down at the other end of the counter, re-approached where Dirk was stood whilst wiping his hands with a dirty rag. “You don’t have like...side work or something?”

“Oh, I do!” Dirk agreed immediately, forcing himself not to stare too long at Todd’s hands working at the rag. “I just ordinarily tend to get it done earlier on in the day. It’s actually incredibly simple stuff, if I’m honest.”

“Damn.” Todd chuckled slightly, “Sounds...boring. What do you like--do, then?”

“It can be.” Dirk shrugged slightly, willing himself not to flush at the idea of answering Todd’s question in total honesty. “I visit here, mostly. Get my afternoon tea and...Well…Tidy up, I suppose.”

A small laugh burst out of Todd, and Dirk made a mental note immediately to attempt to be the be the one behind the sound again, if at all possible.

“Sounds boring.” Todd repeated with a small smile, reaching forward to grab a cup and beginning to scribble Dirk’s name on it. “So, you doing the usual, or?”

“Oh!” Dirk blinked, slightly disappointed that the conversation was ending, already. Surely he hadn’t made such a bad impression that Todd was already looking to get back to work?

As if confirming the fear, Todd himself shifted a little uncomfortably and glanced away with a somewhat furrowed brow. “Uh, Dirk?” he prompted, when silence had begun to stretch between them.

“Oh, right.” Dirk coughed a bit, “Yes, please.”

“Right,” Todd nodded slightly to himself and began to turn away.

“Todd!” Dirk burst out, in a small surge of desperation to keep the conversation going.

He still hadn’t done what he’d set out to do in the first place, Dirk realized with a sudden jolt of fear.

And he intended to do just that--

Right up until he was faced with Todd’s blue and impossibly wide eyes gazing up at him expectantly, his small shoulders tensing slightly in anticipation.

Which was, Dirk would reflect later, probably exactly where things had begun to plummet toward an inevitable and painfully unintentional downward spiral.

“That--that jacket you’re wearing is--it makes you look very...small.”

As soon as the words were out, Dirk had to fight the urge to let his eyes fall shut in absolute horror.

 _Maybe_ , he thought a little wildly, _Maybe I didn’t really use that particular word. Maybe this is all a horrible dream and I’m not really being faced with that particular expression._

Todd, for his part, was opening and closing his mouth and appearing more than a little flabbergasted. “It’s--It’s a flannel. And--” his brow scrunched (quite endearingly) incredulously, then. “Did you say _small_?”

“I--” Dirk began, opening his mouth to somehow save the situation and finding, inexplicably, that he couldn’t find it within himself to produce another word.

(Something which was quite rare, for him).

“Right,” Todd finally muttered, glancing downward and blinking a few times before moving to the end of the bar, pouring Dirk’s tea into an entirely separate cup (though as to why, Dirk couldn’t comprehend), and sliding it across the counter without another word.

“Todd,” Dirk began desperately, unsure of where he was going to take the sentence, but unwilling to leave the conversation where they had, nonetheless.

Todd, apparently, had other ideas. “See you, Dirk.” he called over his shoulder, not turning from where he’d begun to scrub furiously at some invisible stain on the back bar.

Dirk allowed himself to hover another long moment, before he deflated slightly and let out a long breath.

It was a pointed dismissal, and Dirk was somewhat unwilling to test his luck further.

“Have a good one, then.” he called, a little weakly, and turned hastily to exit the shop.

It was only when he was back across the square, leaning against the firmly closed front doors of Hobbs’ shop and biting his lip against the welling disappointment and frustration, that he realized that he’d forgotten his tea entirely.

\---

“Todd?” the call broke through the fog at the forefront of Todd’s mind, and he barely registered the sound of his own front door knob being jiggled slightly before the whole thing swung open with a creak. “You in here?”

Lifting his head slightly from where it was rested on the arm of the sofa, Todd opened his mouth to reply, though found that he could only emit a small croak of acknowledgement before his head fell back onto the somewhat unforgiving surface with a _thump_.

“I brought groceries,” Farah’s voice carried from where she was now shuffling into the kitchen, her arms most likely laden with various packages that she audibly dropped onto the counter not a moment later. 

Todd felt his heart swell slightly in grateful affection, though he couldn’t find it within himself to verbally extend the sentiment, at the moment.

“Hey,” Farah’s voice was closer now, and Todd had hardly a moment for the realization that she was rounding the corner into the living room to sink in before she was directly in his line of sight, peering down at his most likely pitifully curled up form with a slightly furrowed brow. “You good?”

“I’m--I’m fine.” Todd managed, his voice somewhat more gravelly than he would have hoped, and lifted an arm in an attempt to elevate himself from his fetal position. 

“Hey, no. You don’t have to.” Farah cut in, kneeling and extending a gentle hand to latch onto his shoulder and press him back down into the sofa. The words weren’t necessarily a command, but Todd felt the need to listen, either way.

The silence hung between them for a moment, crackling with an unspoken inquiry, before Farah finally released a sigh and (in typical Farah fashion) spoke the unspoken into existence.

“Was it an attack?”

Todd grimaced, cold shame rising in his throat like bile.

It had been two months. Two fucking months and he still hadn’t gotten himself to the point of being able to address the….issue without dread and total humiliation causing his skin to crawl.

In lieu of replying, therefore, Todd simply nodded jerkily and averted his gaze to the avocado green shag carpet below Farah’s boots.

“Was it bad?” Farah pressed, a slight apology laced behind the words, but a dutiful protectiveness forcing them out, nonetheless.

She knew how Todd felt, Todd reflected distantly; there was absolutely no doubt of that.

She did, however, arguably more importantly also somehow always seemed to know exactly what he needed, as well.

“It...it wasn’t as…” Todd heaved a heavy sigh before trying again, “It wasn’t bad.”

Farah raised a pointed brow, but (mercifully) allowed the subject to drop at that.

“I’ll bring you some water.” she offered, rising and disappearing into the kitchen again before Todd could protest. “Did you take a pill?”

“Two,” Todd confirmed, sitting up now and relieved to be addressing things on a somewhat more clerical ground.

“Right,” Farah muttered, shuffling around in the next room a moment before continuing, louder now, “I brought beer, but I can always stick it in the fridge for later.”

It was a line cast, and Todd latched onto it like a starved fish.

“I’ll have a beer.” he called back, making to stand and following Farah into the kitchen, his legs still slightly unsteady.

“Todd…” Farah warned, when he’d entered, turning and assessing him warily for a long moment.

(And Todd, who stood in his oversized band tee shirt and sweats and allowed himself to be scrutinized, was sure it was a pathetic sight).

“I’m fine, Farah.” he dismissed, shaking his head to clear it of the last of the fog the attack had left as a parting gift, and forced a somewhat wobbly smile. “But I could really use a beer.”

Farah hesitated another long moment, before releasing a breathy sigh (almost a laugh) and reaching into the nearest bag to produce a bottle. “If you end up feeling shittier after this, it’s on you.”

“I know.” Todd chuckled wryly, and turned to sift for a bottle opener in the nearest drawer. “Thanks.”

“Don’t--don’t thank me.” Farah muttered, her tone low and somber, before she sighed and continued with only somewhat forced brightness, “Did Dirk come in today?”

Todd winced, his fingers fumbling the bottle opener slightly so that he nearly gashed the knuckles of his left hand on the cap. “He was there, yeah.” he muttered, hastily taking a long swig of the now open beer to avoid having to clarify further.

“You’re not subtle, Todd.” Farah teased, a soft smile behind the tone now. “Come on. Did you ask him?”

Todd coughed slightly, forcing his eyes to remain steadily trained on the living room, or the beer in his still somewhat uncoordinated hands.

Pretty much anywhere but Farah’s inquiring gaze.

“Not--not necessarily.” he finally replied, lowly.

“What does that mean ‘not necessarily’?” Farah shot back immediately, and Todd listened with distant resignation as she cracked a beer of her own. She was in it for the details, then.

(Not that she ever wasn’t. Todd could count on one hand the amount of times he’d been able to avoid a conversation that Farah Black was determined to conduct).

“I--” Todd turned to face Farah, finally, a sort of guilty wince already set across his features. “I left him my number.”

“What?!” Farah cried. The tone was just as cool and composed as almost always, but Todd got the distinct feeling that this might have been the most visibly excited he’d ever seen her. “Did he get it? Todd,” she breathed, grinning a little incredulously. “this is--”

“I took it back before he had a chance to see it.” Todd admitted quickly, blinking a little a biting his lip after the admission.

“Wha--” Farah blinked, “Todd.”

“I know.”

“ _Todd_.”

“I didn’t know what else to do, okay?” Todd burst out, flailing a bit and nearly sloshing beer on himself. “He called me small, Farah.” he added on a murmur, the words, even now, automatically bringing a hot flush to his face and ears.

“Small?” Farah echoed blankly, almost disbelievingly.

“He...told me that--” Todd blinked, furrowing his brow and replaying the frankly bewildering conversation over in his mind again. “I think he was...I don’t know. Making fun of me?”

“He doesn’t seem like that kind of person.” Farah denied immediately with a dismissive shake of her head. “Todd, maybe--”

“I don’t know why else he would have said it.” Todd interrupted with a small shrug. “I--I can’t even fathom.”

“Okay,” Farah cut in a bit forcefully. “Calm down.”

“I’m fine.” Todd dismissed.

“Let’s think about this rationally.” Farah continued, as if Todd hadn’t spoken, “What was the context?”

“I don’t--” Todd released a sharp breath, willing himself to think back on the conversation without dwelling on the unfortunate end of it. “We were just talking. It felt like it was going...well, I guess? Well...great, actually.” he admitted.

Farah nodded, but made no effort to reply beyond a somewhat expectant expression, so Todd sighed and continued, “I was thinking about what you said and...I wrote my number on his cup--It was stupid, I know.” he tacked on,when faced with the shock painted across Farah’s face.

“No, not at all.” Farah reassured. “It’s just...It doesn’t really seem like--” she coughed quickly and glanced away. “It was a very sweet gesture, Todd.”

“Yeah,” Todd huffed, “Before I fucked it up.”

“I still don’t get it.” Farah replied, “When did he call you small? Before or after the number?”

“After I wrote it.” Todd confessed with a wince. “Before I gave it to him. I was making his tea and he got all...weird. Him weird this time!” he defended, when Farah began to open her mouth in argument. “He started kind of...stuttering, and then told me that my jacket made me look...Yeah. That.”

“You were wearing a jacket at work?” Farah questioned with a raised brow.

“It was a flannel, but I think you’re missing the point.” Todd pointed out, somewhat irritably.

“Okay,” Farah murmured, glancing away and furrowing her brow as if thinking the entire conversation over. She released a long breath, opened her mouth to speak and, when faced with Todd’s no doubt hopeful expression, let it fall back closed with a somewhat apologetic half-smile.

The silence hung between them and, for want of anything better to do, Todd took another long swig of his now heavily condensated beer.

He wasn’t entirely sure why he was so disappointed. It was a stupid infatuation, after all. And hadn’t he been the one to knock the possibility of success in the first place? So why was he now so absolutely let down?

“Todd,” Farah began at last. “I’m not really sure--”

“Can we just drop it? For now, at least?” Todd pleaded, unable to ignore the heavy sinking of his gut at the realization that not even Farah had an answer. “It’s stupid to dwell on it, anyway.”

“It’s not stupid, Todd.” Farah murmured, a softness (something uncomfortably close to pity) just behind the words.

“Okay, well…” Todd began, but trailed off, his shoulders sagging as he shrugged slightly in dejection.

“I won’t bring it up again tonight.” Farah assured, raising both hands placatingly. “But Todd...this is a small thing. Don’t let it deter you entirely, okay?” When Todd didn’t reply beyond a small and bewildered shake of his head (because really, what was he supposed to say?), Farah prodded, “Okay? You gotta say okay.”

“Okay,” Todd replied weakly, unable to help mirroring Farah’s fond smile.

“Okay,” Farah echoed. “I’m gonna have another beer and put Netflix on. Seems like that kind of night.” she added on a murmur, already reaching into the grocery bag at her elbow. “I also brought you Cheetos, even though you’re supposed to be on a better diet.”

“I love you,” Todd muttered drily, “You’re a miracle.”

“Okay, cowboy.” Farah warned, though the dimpling of her cheeks belied the warning in the tone..

Sometimes, Todd mused, already reaching forward for the snack and pressing himself briefly and warmly into Farah’s side, it was like she knew beforehand exactly when there would be nights like these.

It wasn’t until (half a bag of cheetos and two additional beers) later that another thought struck Todd entirely.

“Hey, Farah.” he muttered, looking away from Jurassic Park (Farah’s choice) briefly to glance up to Farah on the sofa from where he was sat on the floor, his back pressed comfortably against her crossed legs. “Maybe don’t tell Amanda about this? She won’t let me hear the end of it, believe me.”

“Oh,” Farah replied, licking her lips and keeping her gaze trained unwaveringly on the screen. “Um,”

“You told her already, didn’t you?”

“She told me to keep her updated.” Farah did glance down, then, and shrugged semi-apologetically. “Would you have argued?”

“No,” Todd admitted without hesitation, taking a sip of his beer and preparing himself for the series of texts that would inevitably be waiting for him when he retrieved his phone, later. “Not even a little bit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love Farah Black with my entire heart.  
> (thank you all for reading!)


	3. "Still a chance."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk shares some information to the right audience, some miscommunications are cleared, a decision is made, and Todd has a hard time wrapping his mind around the situation.

“I don’t get why you’re gettin’ so worked up.” Hobbs commented, taking a large bite of his croissant sandwich, and adding past the mouthful, “You come here all the time, don't ya?”

“Did.” Dirk murmured, casting another wary glance toward the counter and finding (blessedly) that the only barista stood there was one he didn’t recognize. “As in past tense. As in, it would sort of be a bad idea now.”

“I don’t think he’s workin’.” Hobbs piped up and, when Dirk turned to face him questioningly, gestured toward where Dirk had been glancing nervously. “The short one, I mean.”

“That’s the hope.” Dirk replied, sagging into his seat a bit and stirring his straw around his near untouched tea morosely.

“Hang on,” Hobbs perked up, then, and pegged Dirk with a bewildered look. “What do you mean ‘past tense’? You givin’ up?”

Dirk winced slightly.

In truth, he wasn’t entirely sure how to answer the question. On one hand, after the previous week’s spectacular failure (the thought of which still made Dirk’s stomach flip a little sickeningly), his head was insisting that his last chance had been used and wasted. Giving up, it seemed, would be more a mercy to himself than it would be a failure.

But then...Dirk had found that he couldn’t stop mentally recreating Todd’s crooked half-smile, or the way his cheeks had flushed prettily as they’d continued to chat, the conversation easier and more comfortable than any previously…

With a groan, Dirk dropped his head into his hands and shook it weakly. “I don’t know,” he finally answered, the words somewhat muffled.

Hobbs hummed, taking a long sip from his coffee before replying, “You know, you never did tell me what happened last time. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve seen you in here since.”

“Please don’t make me tell you that.” Dirk muttered, raising his head fractionally in order to cast Hobbs a pleading glance over his fingers.

“Dirk,” Hobbes began, leaning forward slightly across the table and offering a gentle but encouraging expression. “You don’t have to tell me anything. Heck,” he chuckled slightly, “I’m just your boss, after all. But just know that I’m always willing to offer advice, if you wanna talk.”

“Hobbs,” Dirk lifted his head a bit further with a small smile. “That’s--”

“Also, I’m just really dang curious, alright?” Hobbs burst out, flushing slightly. “This has been going on near as long as you’ve been workin’ at the shop and you can’t blame a guy for being kinda invested.”

Dirk blinked, before releasing another weak groan and hiding his face back behind his hands.

If he was being honest, he couldn’t really think of anyone else he would have gone to with his problem beyond Hobbs himself, anyway. Despite being his boss, the man was really quite a spectacular friend and listener.

And, Dirk figured, he probably owed something of an explanation to him, after having wasted potentially countless hours on the clock gazing dreamily out the front window.

“I--” he began, not raising his head quite yet. “Icalledhimsmall.”

“Come again?” Hobbs prodded, sounding a bit bewildered.

“I called him small!” Dirk cried, sitting suddenly upright and unable to stop the words from loudly bursting forth, now. “ _Small_ , Sherlock!”

“You--” Hobbs sputtered, furrowing his brow incredulously and gaping like a goldfish for a long moment. “Wait, you really--”

“I really did.” Dirk confirmed with a somewhat hysterical giggle. “Small! Out of all the words I could have picked. I could have picked anything! Handsome. Fetching. Very...blue-eyed! And I picked small, of all things.”

“Well,” Hobbs attempted, words held very carefully low and calming, “If we’re being honest, you weren’t...wrong.”

“I don’t think he wanted to _hear_ that, though!” Dirk cried, raising both hands to tangle them in his hair.

“Ah,” Hobbs nodded slightly. “That’d make sense.”

“I don’t even know why I said it.” Dirk continued, unable to stop the words from pouring forth, now that he’d gotten started. “Things were great. Wonderful, even. He was talking and smiling and laughing. _Laughing_ , Hobbs!”

Hobbs, for his part, simply blinked a little before offering a hasty nod and taking another long sip of his coffee.

“And then there were more words and then suddenly there were _none_ , and he turned around and I was afraid that that was going to be the end of it and we’d go right back to where we started in the first place and I couldn’t let _that_ happen so I just…” he sighed, sagging slightly and reaching forward to fiddle with the straw again, suddenly totally deflated. “I called him--that.”

“Okay, to be honest, I’m havin’ a bit of a hard time deciphering this.” Hobbs confessed, after a brief pause. “Why did you call him small? Sounds like things were goin’ okay, before

that.”

“I was trying to pay a compliment.” Dirk murmured miserably.

“Ah,” Hobbs said again, nodding as if this had explained the entire thing.

“I don’t know, Sherlock.” Dirk sighed, “Maybe that was it. Maybe I was just being...foolishly hopeful, before.” he grimaced, “I don’t think that there’s a way to make this happen without me somehow totally cocking it up.”

There was a beat, before Hobbs leaned forward and offered another small smile.

“I don’t know about you,” he began, “But to me, things sounded like they were goin’ pretty dang good before that. What do you think?”

Dirk frowned and glanced away. He thought briefly of Todd’s soft smile, the brightness of his eyes during their easy conversation...

He considered the potential of following this one with many more easy conversations, and couldn’t deny the flutter his heart gave at the thought.

“I think…” Dirk began, slowly raising his eyes to meet Hobbs’ expectant gaze. “That I’d agree with that sentiment.”

“Then I wouldn’t really call it a total cock-up.” Hobbs replied brightly, as if that was that and that solved everything, and leaned back triumphantly in his chair.

“We might have wildly differing opinions on that.” Dirk muttered drily.

“Dirk!” Hobbs cried, and Dirk jolted a little at the volume of the exclamation. “Buddy, I know I haven’t known you more than a few months.”

“A year,” Dirk corrected, slightly perplexed.

“Right,” Hobbes nodded, “And I know I’m just your boss, but I can say with total confidence that I haven’t ever seen you near as happy as when you’re talkin’ about that kid.” he leaned forward and murmured, softly, “Don’t give up yet.”

Dirk blinked, his throat suddenly a little tight.

“You--” he coughed before beginning again, “You’re quite a good friend, Hobbs.”

Hobbs opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted when the woman who’d been sat at the table beside them suddenly shot to her feet and, without hesitation, bolted quickly out of the cafe entirely.

“Hoo boy!” Hobbs cried, as the rest of the cafe had returned to their drinks after having turned to watch the hasty exit. “Tearin’ out of here like a bat out of hell. She musta had something important goin’ on.”

“Yes,” Dirk answered distantly, unable to ignore the sudden prickling of his skin at the back of his neck.

Something had just happened, he was sure. Something beyond the conversation with Hobbs.

Of what, he wasn’t sure but, as Dirk turned back to the table to face Hobbs’ knowing smile, he was suddenly and entirely sure of one fact.

He was, now more than ever, ready to resurge his efforts.

If nothing else, the promise of hearing Todd’s laugh at least once more was enough to spur him on.

\---

Todd’s phone chirped merrily, drawing him out of a restless sleep with a groan.

He groaned again weakly as the noise registered, uncurled from the ball he’d tucked himself into beneath a pile of thin blankets and (clean) laundry, and turned over to reach out blindly for the source of the offending noise.

Without bothering to see who was calling (there were a pitiful lack of potentials on that list, anyway), Todd sat up to rub one eye blearily and croaked a weary, “Hey,” into the receiver.

“I saw him!” an excited voice crackled in from the other end of the line, and it only took Todd a moment to connect the dots as to who he was talking to.

“Amanda?” he groaned, glancing at his watch and wincing as he read 10:42 am. “What--What’s up?”

“I saw him.” Amanda repeated, her tone firm and laced with elation.

“Wait, who?” Todd sat up slightly straighter, willing himself to shake off the last fog of sleep. “Who did you see?”

“I--Wait, you good?” Amanda cut herself off with the inquiry, “Were you sleeping?”

“Wha--No,” Todd scoffed a bit, “I’m fine.”

“Right,” Amanda replied drily. “Anyway, I _saw_ him, Todd!”

“Wait, _who_ did you see, Amanda?” Todd cried, a little exasperated, now.

Amanda could be less than direct with her conversations at the best of times, but she was clearly near over-excited, in this case, and Todd was vaguely fearful that they’d never get to the point of the phone call.

Which was, of course, when Amanda proved him wrong with a total and unexpected verbal punch to the gut.

“Dirk!” Amanda replied, as if should have been obvious.

Todd felt his stomach drop slightly, and suddenly found it a bit hard to focus on breathing evenly.

He would be lying if he said that he hadn’t thought about Dirk...semi-consistently over the past week.

In fact, he would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about him very consistently.

The more he thought about it, the more Todd’s discomfort over where they’d left things continued to grow. Dirk hadn’t been in for his usual afternoon tea once since the interaction, and Todd had the distinct feeling that he was to blame.

And, though he’d tried to purge the memory from his mind entirely and move _on_ already, Todd would also be lying if he said that he hadn’t spent a majority of the past week gazing somewhat longingly across the square from _Spring’s Cafe_ at the little flower shop on the corner, willing a figure, undoubtedly clad in sunny and bright colors, to exit the shop and cross the square…

“Todd?” Todd started a bit as Amanda’s voice cut through his reverie, “You good, man?”

“Ye-ah.” Todd muttered, blinking rapidly to clear his head a bit. “Uh, what about--what about Dirk?”

Amanda’s sigh from the other end of the line was clearly audible. “I heard what he said.” she replied, finally, and sounded almost apologetic.

Todd winced, forcing himself to ignore how his cheeks had already begun to sting at the memory. “Yeah, Farah filled me in.”

“No,” Amanda argued, “I _heard_ what he said.”

“I--” Todd blinked, “Amanda, I know. Farah--”

“Like, I _heard_ it, heard it.” Amanda interrupted. “I heard it today.” she paused, and took an audible breath before continuing, “I saw him at Spring’s _,_ Todd.”

“Wait,” Todd was sitting completely upright now, his heart tightening in his chest. “You _saw_ him?”

“Jesus, Todd.” Amanda breathed, “I’ve said that like, six times now.”

“Wait, what did he--” Todd paused and took a moment to reign himself in, forcing his tone to remain cool and detached, “Did he say anything?”

“He didn’t recognize me.” Amanda replied, “But he was there with a friend. I heard enough of their conversation to get an idea.” There was a beat, before she continued, “Todd...he feels really bad.”

Todd frowned, “Why would he--”

“He didn’t mean it.” Amanda interrupted hastily, “Todd, seriously, the guy’s almost as bad at flirting as you.”

“Hey!” Todd protested, “I’m not--”

“Almost.” Amanda continued airily, “Seriously, he said he was trying to pay you a compliment.”

“Seriously?” Todd snorted a bit, “Some compliment.”

“Todd!” Amanda chided, “I really think he’s trying. He...Well…”

“What?” Todd prompted, when it seemed that Amanda wasn’t going to continue.

“He seemed really torn up about it.” Amanda replied, at last. “And--Actually, I shouldn’t say that part.”

“Amanda!” Todd cried, clutching his phone somewhat tighter than necessary.

“Seriously, Todd.” Amanda insisted, and Todd knew that he would get no more out of her, now. “I can’t. Just…Give him a chance, alright? He seems like a good guy. Like he’d be good for you.” There was a beat, before she added on a murmur, “You need to get out there again. Get outside yourself.”

“Okay,” Todd dismissed quickly, blinking a little rapidly and suddenly wanting nothing more than for the conversation to end. “Okay. Thanks, Amanda.”

“Yeah, man. Of course.” There was a distant crash in the background, and the sound of Amanda swearing beneath her breath. “I gotta go. The boys are getting a little rowdy.”

Todd snorted, “Have fun with your weird groupies.”

“Will do.” Amanda replied, “Hey, you’re still coming to the party next week, right?” she cried over the sound of increasing shouts in the background, now, “You can bring Dirk!”

“Can’t guarantee anything, but I wouldn’t miss it.” Todd chuckled.

“Good.” Amanda replied, somewhat breathlessly, and let out a cheerful whoop seconds later before calling out a quick, “Love you!”

“Love you too, sis.” Todd murmured, before the line cut off entirely.

He was left in silence, then. Left to stare blankly at the wall across from his bed with nothing to distract him from the information that had just been all but dumped into his lap without warning.

 _Give him a chance_ , Amanda had said. 

_A chance…_

With a weary sigh, Todd tossed the blankets tangled around his legs off impatiently and leapt out of bed.

This, he decided, was a conversation he’d rather mull over after at least one cup of coffee.

\---

“Okay,” Dirk murmured to himself as he was stood outside _Spring’s_ , shuddering slightly in the brittle January air and eyeing the warm interior of the store warily.

Okay. He could do this. What was it Hobbs had said? Not a total cock-up. There was still a chance, then! Dirk was just barely able to hold back the semi-hysterical laugh that wanted to burst forth from his chest at the thought.

_Still a chance…_

Maybe, he considered, willing himself to reach out and grasp the handle of the front door, maybe the situation wasn’t nearly as disastrous as he’d previously remembered.

It had been over a week, after all. Maybe, in that time, he’d over-dramatised things in his head. to the point of only remembering the bad.

But there _had_ been some good ( _Todd’s laugh…_ ), Dirk reminded himself as he took a deep breath and entered the cafe’s quiet ambience. There had been plenty of good ( _Todd’s smile…_ ).

Enough, at the very least, to spur him forward toward what he was about to attempt next.

When Dirk finally reached the queue to the counter, Todd’s back was to him as he frantically mixed drinks on the back bar, and Todd’s friend (Farah, if Dirk remembered correctly) was currently taking orders.

 _It’s fine,_ Dirk reassured himself, stepping tentatively forward as the line continued to move (far too quickly for his liking). _You just have to ask for him. Just a small bump in the road! It’s…_

“How can I--Oh, hey!” Farah greeted, when Dirk finally reached the counter, offering a small and slightly bewildered smile. “I, uh--Hey, Todd?”

“Yeah?” Todd called back over his shoulder, and cursed under his breath a moment later as the drink he’d been mixing sloshed slightly out of the cup and onto his hand.

“Can you take the line? I have to run--run back and--into the back.”

“Um, yeah.” Todd replied, and Dirk watched with wide and trepidatious eyes as he slung the drink he’d been working at onto the end of the bar before hurrying over to take Farah’s place.

Farah, for her part, watched Dirk warily and critically for a long (and Dirk really meant _long_ ) moment through narrowed eyes before offering a polite, “Good to see you.” and disappearing into the back room.

Dirk watched as Todd watched her leave and shook his head in apparent confusion, before turning back to face the line--

Which was when he watched Todd’s face dawn in apprehension, before it began performing a truly spectacular rollercoaster of emotions.

First shock, followed quickly by suspicion and discomfort (his small shoulders tensing with it), soon to shift into what might have been consideration--

Before it settled into a heavy resignation.

“Hey...Dirk.” Todd finally spoke, offering a small (slightly weary) smile with the words.

Okay, Dirk thought distantly, maybe things _weren’t_ as bad as he’d originally--

“What are you having?” Todd piped up, his tone held carefully cool and disinterested, and Dirk felt his stomach drop slightly at them.

Okay, maybe they were as bad as all that.

“Todd,” Dirk began, forcing himself to swallow past the sudden, nervous lump that had begun to form in his throat, “About...Well, about--”

“It’s fine.” Todd dismissed with a firm shake of his head, his gaze held carefully averted and trained on the paper cup now clutched in his hands.

“Oh,” Dirk blinked, slightly taken aback, but refused to let the conversation drop entirely. “How--how are things?” he finally managed.

( _Stupid Dirk!_ He chastised himself, not moments later, _Terrible at starting casual conversations)._

It was, however, a certain type of victory. For, almost as soon as he’d spoken the words, Todd turned to face him, his forehead wrinkled in bewilderment.

“Fine,” he replied, finally, as if not entirely sure how else to answer. “How--how’s work?” the words were stilted, almost painfully forced out.

But they were there nonetheless, and Dirk took it as a win.

“Boring,” he replied sweetly, “But you know that.”

And, to his utter elation, Todd offered a small chuckle in reply.

“Right,” the smaller man muttered, his cheeks slightly pink as he eyed Dirk with a somewhat considering look. “So…”

“I’m actually not here for tea.” Dirk burst out, and bit his lip as soon as the words had escaped.

Todd raised a brow, and lowered the cup he was holding slightly.

“Oh,” he replied, finally, as if for want of anything better to say. “So….Coffee, or…”

“I hate coffee.” Dirk inserted quickly. “And I’m not here for that, either.”

He’d reached the point of no return, Dirk realized distantly, watching as Todd dropped the hand holding the cup aloft completely, and continued to eye him with that wary expression.

Dirk took a deep breath. Now or never…

“Look,” he began, “About last time--”

“It’s fine.” Todd dismissed again, his small shoulders tensing again. “I already said--”

“Yes, but I’m sorry.” Dirk interrupted, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his trousers to keep himself from wringing them together. “I really--It was a mistake. I didn’t mean to--” he paused to take another deep breath. “It really was a mistake.” he finally managed sincerely, “But I understand if it upset you. And I’m sorry.”

A lengthy silence stretched between them, then, and Dirk watched as Todd’s spectacularly blue eyes grew so wide they were liable to pop as he surveyed Dirk silently for a long moment.

“Okay,” Todd finally replied, glancing away and sighing softly before turning back with a determined nod. “Okay.”

“And,” Dirk forced himself to continue, before he lost what was left of his nerve entirely, “If you were maybe, somehow free this Thursday evening...That’s my day off and I would--I’d love to take you...somewhere. Wherever you’d like! I’m--I’m really okay with whatever.” he finished lamely, heaving suddenly for breath as if he’d just sprinted across the square to ask the question.

Todd, it seemed, was struck with a sudden bout of convulsive blinking. He blinked, then he blinked again. And again, and again. And, when Dirk was just about to ask if he was quite alright, he finally spoke.

“O--okay.” Todd croaked, glancing briefly and ridiculously behind him as if he expected the question to be directed at someone else. “Okay. Um...Thursday...Uh…”

“At six, maybe?” Dirk chimed in, his face flushing at the possibility of Todd actually having _agreed_ to--

“Yeah,” Todd agreed, his gaze wide and somewhat glazed over. “Yeah, okay. Six o’clock. Saturday.”

“Thursday.” Dirk corrected softly, his pulse fluttering almost maddeningly.

“Thursday.” Todd echoed, and Dirk was dimly aware of the sound of the paper cup he’d been holding hitting the ground with a clatter. “Okay. See you--See you then, Dirk.”

“Right.” Dirk nodded once, twice, and turned to leave before something snagged at his consciousness, and he found himself turning back to the counter once again.

“Oh, and Todd?” he called, his pulse absolutely thrumming as Todd’s wide eyes immediately shot back to him, as if magnetically drawn by the words.

Taking a deep breathe, Dirk took a moment to reorganize his thoughts before offering, “You’re looking--What I mean to say is, your shirt makes...Your eyes are just spectacularly blue.”

There was a long pause, before Dirk watched in utter fascination as a hot flush spread across Todd’s nose and cheekbones.

Todd opened his mouth once, closed it, and opened it again, only to emit a small and bewildered croak of acknowledgment a few moments later.

With a small smile, Dirk turned back toward the door and (after having filed the image away for later consideration) exited the cafe entirely.

When he was back outside, surrounded again by the crisp winter air, Dirk allowed himself to begin to bounce a bit in victory, a wide grin spreading across his face and threatening to break it entirely with its force as he practically skipped back across the square.

 _Did it,_ he thought somewhat wildly, his grin growing almost dangerously at the thought.

The prickle of hope was back, and Dirk allowed himself to bask in it for a long and glorious moment.

He’d done it.

\---

Todd watched in total silence as Dirk exited the shop and began to stride back across the square, his mouth still hung slightly open and his brow deeply furrowed.

That had really just happened. Dirk had...they’d really…

Todd shook his head slightly, biting his lip and willing the room to stop greying out at the edges as the reality of the situation truly began to sink in. 

He stood completely motionless for a long moment, before turning on a heel to wander almost mechanically toward where Farah was exiting the back room, now.

“What’s up?” Farah inquired, her mouth turning down into a small frown when Todd didn’t reply immediately, continuing instead to simply gaze at her wordlessly with his mouth still gaping slightly open. “Todd? Are you okay?” she questioned hesitantly.

“I think--” Todd began, taking a moment to replay the situation again in his mind before realizing that that might be a dangerous idea just then, given the proximity to the actual event.

“I think Dirk Gently just asked me out.” he finally managed, a little breathlessly.

“You--” Farah blinked once, pausing as the words registered before her eyebrows skyrocketed spectacularly. “Todd! What--How--”

“I don’t know.” Todd murmured. Then, raised his gaze to meet Farah’s as a large and somewhat wild grin began to overtake his features. “I don’t know!” he released a small laugh, more a shriek of delight than anything. “Farah!”

“Okay, I want to know everything as soon as possible.” Farah insisted, reaching both hands out to grip Todd’s shoulders loosely. “And, as your friend, I’m really incredibly excited for you.”

“I--” Todd laughed again, “I don’t even--”

“But,” Farah cut in, “As your manager, I need to let you know that there’s a line of people who’ve been waiting there for a while now.” she gestured over Todd’s shoulder and, sure enough, Todd was immediately met with several impatient expressions as he turned to look, still grinning slightly.

“Oh, right! Right.” Todd cried, turning quickly back to Farah and jumping a little. “Okay. I got this.” he laughed breathlessly once more and reached up to grip Farah’s elbows briefly before turning to scurry back to the register.

Upon reflection, Todd wasn’t entirely sure how he managed to get through the rest of the shift without vibrating clean out of his skin in excitement.

In fact, looking back on the time, all he could really remember was the same few words, cycling through his head on repeat until he locked up with Farah that evening, and again as soon as he’d returned to the dark of his empty apartment, much less weary than he could ever remembering having been, after a long shift.

 _Thursday night, 6 o’clock._ The words rose again, unbidden, as Todd collapsed into the welcoming comfort of his sofa, not even bothering to remove his shoes or coat as he leaned back, a small and disbelieving smile still lingering on his face.

Thursday night, 6 o’clock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert Arrested Development gif* good for them.


	4. "you don't get out much, do you?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd is kind of a mess and worries more than is necessary (as per usual), Dirk and Todd learn a bit more about each other, and get the opportunity to bask in the warm comfort of a first date for a bit.

Todd Brotzman’s day was something he held to a very specific and rigid schedule.

Wake up and avoid the clothes scattered on the ground as he made his way toward the bathroom.

Shower, avoid turning the water up too hot; could trigger an attack.

Make coffee, two cups at max (too much caffeine could trigger an attack). Attempt to choke down breakfast (he was supposed to be holding himself to a more rigid diet, now, though Farah could attest to just how well that was going).

Leave the house early. Avoid the bus (tight enclosed spaces; could trigger an attack…)

Walk to work. Avoid heavily crowded areas (could trigger…)

Open the shop. Avoid anything too strenuous….could trigger…

(Stare across the street. Watch the sun rising behind _Bergsberg Floral_.)

Then there was the week itself.

Monday night was usually a stay-in, Netflix night with Farah. Tuesdays he had off, and stayed home (and occasionally managed to convince himself to go grocery shopping, once the meal options in his cupboards had dwindled to the equivalent of a can of chili and half a bag of rice).

Wednesdays were his and Farah’s weekly bar night (nothing too flashy, and nothing too late, but Farah insisted that he still make an effort to do something outside of work and home at least once weekly).

Thursdays were stay at home nights. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday all followed suit.

It was careful, it was cautious, and it left no room for variation.

Variation was a risk. Spontaneity and impulsiveness were risks, and Todd had forced himself to get used to this new fact of life in the span of a few weeks--and a lesson he’d learned the hard way.

Attacks were inevitable. No matter the dosage of medication, the avoidance of triggers, or how carefully Todd held to his routine, the attacks were always inevitable.

But they were also avoidable. The more carefully he planned and the more cautious he forced himself to be, the more avoidable they were.

Attacks were inevitable, but attacks in public (in front of other people…)? Those were out of the question.

Which was why, at exactly 5:26 pm on a Wednesday evening, the true implication behind the potential _Thursday, 6 o’clock_ truly caught up with him.

“Tomorrow’s Thursday.” Todd murmured to himself, hands stuck deep in his coat pockets and eyes trained determinedly on the light dusting of snow on the pavement beneath his feet.

“Okay?” Farah replied, from where she was walking along beside, considerately keeping her own steps reigned in to avoid striding too far ahead (a habit that Todd had initially bristled at, but was now quite thankful for).

“It’s Wednesday, Farah.” Todd insisted, turning to face her and shaking his head a little.

“Right.” Farah replied slowly, her brow furrowing a bit. “Which is why we’re headed to the bar. Right now.”

“Right,” Todd dismissed hastily, “But tomorrow’s _Thursday_. That’s not--” he cut himself off, making a bit of a strangled sound.

“Todd, I don’t--” Farah began, before something like recognition dawned on her face. “Wait. Is this about your date tomorrow?”

Todd, to his credit, just narrowly avoided releasing another weak sound at the words. “It’s on a Thursday.” he finally muttered, as if it explained everything, and turned to lower his eyes in embarrassment.

“Are you--” Farah scoffed a little. “Todd, are you afraid?”

“It’s just--” Todd stopped walking entirely, now, and gestured a little frantically. “I haven’t--It’s been a while, and--”

“And a Thursday isn’t any different than a Wednesday.” Farah was quick to interrupt. “Or a Tuesday at the grocery store. Todd--”

“But what if it is?” Todd burst out, furious with himself over how small and frightened the words sounded, now that they were hung out in the open between them. “Farah, I haven’t left my apartment on a Thursday in...in _months_. What if--What if something weird happens? What if--”

“And what if it doesn’t?” Farah interrupted, “There’s always a risk. There’s a risk in--in everything! You coming in to work this morning was a risk!”

“Yeah,” Todd admitted, a little reluctantly. “But...It’s a Wednesday.”

“And that’s just a schedule!” Farah cried, and Todd was suddenly struck with a deep shame at having brought the topic up in the first place. “A routine! Don’t let it rule your life, Todd! You’re bigger than that.”

“I--” Todd heaved a heavy breath and glanced briefly away, biting his lip and mulling the words over briefly.

There had been a time, just before his having contracted the disease, that he couldn’t even remember what day it was. He simply existed, rolling from work to various, meaningless entertainments, and back again.

He’d gone out. He’d attended as many of Amanda’s gigs that he possibly could. He’d jammed with her band in her apartment (much to the annoyance of her neighbors), and went out for countless drinks after.

He’d gone on little day trips with Farah. Gone hiking and to museums together, or simply to take her corgi on lazy evening walks after work.

And now--

Now Todd could hardly remember that person at all.

But Dirk….Dirk with his dimpling grin and bright clothes and witty humor…

In this case, Todd realized with a start; in this case, his curiosity might just be strong enough to outweigh his fear.

“And, Todd?” Farah spoke softly, now, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder and drawing him roughly back to the present. “If you need to, you can always call me. Don’t forget that.”

“I know,” Todd replied, a small smile working its way onto his face as he met Farah’s gaze evenly.

“Good,” Farah sniffed a bit and took a step back. “Right. You good?”

“Great,” Todd shot back automatically and, in something close to shock, realized belatedly that the answer was probably closer to the truth now than it had been in a long time. “Really.” he insisted, a little breathlessly.

“Good,” Farah repeated, studying him another long moment before turning as if making to continue on down the sidewalk. “Ready?”

“Yeah,” Todd murmured, his smile widening slightly (hopefully). “I am.”

\---

Thursday morning dawned bright and hopeful, and found Dirk Gently making it approximately 10 minutes into his morning shift before realizing (in something not far from absolute horror) that they had never decided upon a meet-up location for his and Todd’s date (and just thinking the word gave him a flutter of elation) that evening--nor had they decided on an activity.

The thought firmly in mind, Dirk had crossed the square almost as soon as the little coffee shop’s open sign flickered to life, thrown open the front door, and zeroed in to where Todd was stood, watering one of the many plants in the corner of the shop with his back to Dirk.

“Meet you here tonight, then?” Dirk had cried (arguably a touch louder than was strictly necessary, in the otherwise empty shop), his pulse fluttering maddeningly when Todd turned swiftly to face him with those wide and startled eyes.

( _Lord have mercy…_ )

“Um,” Todd began, blinking a little before continuing. “Yeah. Yes. Sounds great.”

“Great.” Dirk replied, relief flooding his chest as he smiled softly. “Perfect. Six o’clock, then.”

“Six.” Todd echoed with a small smile, and raised the hand not currently toting a watering can in a sort of awkward half wave.

“Right.” Dirk had nodded once, twice, before turning on his heel and exiting swiftly.

From there, it seemed both that 6 o’clock couldn’t come fast enough, though it simultaneously approached far quicker than Dirk was quite prepared for.

By the time he was locking up the front doors, Dirk’s heart had already begun to hammer rapidly in his chest, unwilling to let him forget what was to come.

Across the square, he could just make out Todd’s figure scurrying around the cafe, finishing the last of the clean up and, after the open sign had been flicked off, disappearing into the back room.

Dirk blinked, eyeing the now darkened shop as his heart hammered in his chest in the still quiet of the evening.

Had he changed his mind? Maybe he hadn’t had the heart to let Dirk down verbally, and was instead planning on standing him up, exiting quietly through the back door and leaving Dirk to wait alone in the cold until the realization finally dawned on him…

Dirk shivered slightly in the crisp evening air, and was debating with himself as to whether or not he should simply cross the street and give the cafe’s doors a sharp knock when Todd himself emerged from the entrance of _Spring’s_ , fumbling a little at the lock to the door before turning, glancing warily both ways across the street, and crossing the square with a little hop that Dirk tried not to find too endearing, at present.

“Hey!” Todd greeted with a small smile, when he’d reached Dirk’s side. “Sorry to keep you waiting. Hope it wasn’t too long?”

He’d donned a different outfit entirely, Dirk noted. Just beneath his winter coat peaked--

The flannel that Dirk had commented on the past week, bright blue and bouncing spectacularly off his wide and somewhat expectant eyes.

Dirk swallowed slightly, feeling a sudden heat rise to his cheeks.

“Not at all!” he dismissed airily, though the small shudder that wracked his frame moments later belied the words.

“God, you must be freezing.” Todd commented, his mouth turning down into a small frown. “Sorry. Do you wanna go somewhere warmer? Or--” he paused and glanced away, his brow furrowing a bit, before he turned back to meet Dirk’s eye again. “What uh--what did you have in mind?”

“Actually,” Dirk replied, a small smile overtaking his features as he bounced a little in excitement. “I was hoping that we could leave that up to you.”

Try as he might, after almost an entire 24 hours of brainstorming, Dirk could come up with almost nothing even remotely entertaining enough to fit a date with Todd Brotzman--besides maybe a somewhat subpar dinner at the Chinese restaurant down the road from their respective establishments.

Which was when the idea had clicked. He hadn’t lived in Seattle for very long, and not nearly long enough to get an idea of what someone was supposed to do for entertainment around town.

But Todd presumably had.

“Wait,” Todd blinked a little, appearing somewhat taken aback at the comment. “You want me to...pick what we’re doing?”

“Well, you see,” Dirk was quick to cut in, lest he look like he hadn’t thought the entire thing over in detail. “I’ve only been in Seattle a couple months. I hardly have the first idea of what there is to do around here, or what _you_ might potentially enjoy! So, all things considered…” And, when Todd didn’t reply beyond a somewhat stunned blink, Dirk continued hastily, “I thought you might want to show me around! Show me what Seattle _is_. What it’s all about!”

“You--” Todd hesitated, eyeing him warily for such a long moment that Dirk was momentarily fearful that he’d misstepped. “You want to just do...stupid, touristy Seattle shit?”

“Exactly!” Dirk cried, unable to keep himself from bouncing slightly again with the force of his enthusiasm.

Todd paused briefly, before small and tentative smile began to work its way across his features. “Okay,” he finally agreed, “Do you have anything you wanna do first? Or--”

“It’s your call.” Dirk insisted gleefully. “Dealer’s choice.”

A small, incredulous laugh bubbled out of Todd, then, and he glanced around briefly, seemingly pondering something, before nodding decidedly.

“Right,” he turned and offered Dirk a crooked smile, “Follow me.”

\---

In lieu of actually disclosing where they might be going, Todd instead chose to lead Dirk down two blocks and toward the waterfront, not walking in front of him at all, but rather remaining at his side and gesturing helpfully when they needed to take a turn.

“So,” Dirk inquired, when they’d made it a block in relative silence. “How long have you lived in Seattle?”

“Just about my entire life.” Todd replied with a small, self-deprecating chuckle. “Never really made it out. There was a brief stint in Boise, but--”

“Boise?” Dirk cracked a grin. “That’s absolutely a made up place.”

“It’s not!” Todd protested a little indignantly. “It’s in Idaho.”

“Right,” Dirk snorted, “Because there’s a _totally_ real place that Todd Brotzman just _happened_ to live in Idaho called _Boise_.”

“Dude, I’m serious!” Todd cried, shoving his shoulder lightly against Dirk’s and simultaneously prompting him to take the next corner. “It totally exists!”

“Okay, just _assuming_ that there really is a place in the potato state of Idaho called _Boise_ ,”

“Seriously--”

“Then what did you do there? In this totally real place.” Dirk finished quickly, turning to face Todd’s somewhat scrunched and affronted expression with a sweet smile of his own.

There was a beat, before Todd huffed a small chuckle and glanced down at the toes of his sneakers, flushing slightly and further solidifying Dirk’s theory that there were many, _many_ different blushes that belonged to the fascinating puzzle-book that was Todd Brotzman.

It was an attribute that he tucked safely away for later evaluation, and perhaps a full-blown categorization.

“I, uh--” Todd began, coughing slightly. “I was a bellhop.”

“A--a bellhop?!” Dirk repeated with a small, bubbling laugh. “What on earth prompted that?”

“I don’t know.” Todd replied easily, “I was kind of out of options, at that point. I wanted to get out of Seattle and I had a friend who lived there and wanted to start a band, but--”

“Do you play an instrument?” Dirk interrupted before he could stop himself, his interest piqued at the new and interesting fact.

“I used to.” Todd dismissed with a small shrug. “Guitar. Not so much anymore, but…” he trailed off, frowning a little uncomfortably.

“So, the bellhop situation?” Dirk prompted hastily, feeling somewhat guilty for having put that expression on Todd’s face at all, albeit unintentionally.

“Well, the band thing didn’t really work out.” Todd huffed softly. “It actually turned out pretty shitty. So I did a little job hopping and, well...” he trailed off with another little shrug.

“I think you’d make an excellent bellhop.” Dirk declared decidedly, his heart stuttering a bit when Todd turned to peg him with an incredulous expression. “You’d wear the uniform very well.”

If possible, Todd flushed even darker.

“Yeah, well. I wasn’t. And I didn’t.” he tacked on with a small chuckle. “The pants were huge. I couldn’t tell you how many times I tripped over those.”

Dirk grinned widely, laughter bubbling out of him as he envisioned the image until his sides hurt with the force of it.

“Shut up, man.” Todd scoffed, but Dirk could see the small and dimpling smile on his face belying the words.

“I--” Dirk giggled helplessly again and flailed a bit. “The little bowtie!”

“Okay!” Todd cried, elbowing Dirk (softly) in the stomach and chuckling a bit, himself. “It was stupid.”

“Hardly,” Dirk replied, sobering slightly and turning to offer Todd a fond smile. “A job’s a job, after all.”

“Yeah, well.” Todd’s face scrunched slightly. “This one sucked.”

“So what caused the transition?” Dirk inquired, glancing around curiously as they turned another corner and entered a part of town he’d only seen briefly flying by from the other side of a bus window. “From that to coffee, I mean.”

“Ah,” Todd replied, “Well, I got fired, for starters. Again, I was terrible.” he reminded Dirk with a pointed look. “And, literally the same day, I met Farah.”

“Your friend at the shop.” Dirk cut in.

“Right,” Todd confirmed with a small nod, his expression becoming more open and honest, the more he spoke. “I met her and, at the time she was only a barista there. I--” he released a soft breath, a small and embarrassed sound. “I actually asked her out.”

Dirk blinked, not quite sure what to do with the information, though he was quite relieved to find that the idea of being jealous hadn’t even crossed his mind.

Though, he supposed, if there was anyone that he should have been jealous of, Todd’s friend Farah was near the top of the list.

“She laughed in my face,” Todd continued with a fond smile, “Then I think she kinda felt bad about it, and offered to buy me coffee. She actually did eventually explain why--”

“Why she turned you down?” Dirk finished for him. “Why?”

He couldn’t even begin to fathom turning someone like Todd down, especially--

“She’s a lesbian.” Todd interrupted his thoughts with a pointedly raised brow.

“Ah,” Dirk replied with a nod. “That would explain it.”

“Yeah,” Todd smiled a little. “I don’t know what I was--Anyway, she got us coffee and, when I told her what had happened that morning at work, she told me about the job at Spring’s. I think she still felt kind of bad.”

“And do you like it?” Dirk inquired, cocking his head slightly in curiosity. “The cafe, I mean. Is it your thing?”

“I don’t know.” Todd repeated. “But it’s a job. And it’s great. Having Farah there still.” he paused, and shook his head with a slight frown, as if he’d misspoken, before continuing hastily, “What about you?”

Dirk blinked at the sudden turn the subject had taken. “Me?”

“You’ve been here what, six months?”

“Ah,” Dirk shook his head. “Just over two, actually.”

Todd’s face shifted slightly then, fluttering into something closed-off and a little unsure before shifting back into careful composure so quickly that Dirk thought that he might have been imagining things.

“Two months?” Todd cried, a little incredulously. “Damn. That’s--Hang on.” he blinked, and furrowed his brow as if mulling the information over. “Haven’t you been working at the flower shop right about two months? How did you manage that?”

“Oh! Well, actually.” Dirk chuckled a bit. “I knew my boss, Sherlock Hobbs, before I even moved here.”

“Wait, his name is Sherlock?” Todd interrupted, raising a speculative brow.

“Yes, and he’s quite proud of that, though I can’t imagine why.” Dirk made a face. “Anyway, as it turned out, he had just opened the position and needed someone to replace his old shop assistant.”

“Oh, yeah I remember her.” Todd nodded a bit. “Tina. She used to come into the store all the time. I think she liked talking to Farah more than the actual coffee.” he grinned a little.

“Well, one can hardly blame her.” Dirk teased. “Anyway, he called me about it and, having nothing better to do, really, I offered to help.”

“Wait, you didn’t have any like--experience in the field or anything?” Todd inquired incredulously.

“I’m not even sure that Hobbs does.” Dirk replied with a shrug. “But it kind of worked out!”

“Wow,” Todd stopped mid-stride for a moment, glancing briefly around with a pondering expression before gesturing to their left and beginning to trek down a steep hill, now. “We’re almost there.” he offered, then added, “So you literally just came to the States to...help out a friend?”

“Well...yes.” Dirk answered, blinking a little. The thought hadn’t really occurred to him as something very extraordinary, until he was faced with Todd’s apparent shock. “Well, that and…”

“What?” Todd prompted, when Dirk left the sentence to trail off, and donned a somewhat speculative expression.

“And…” Dirk continued, hesitantly, “It’s going to sound stupid to you, honestly--”

“Hey,” Todd interrupted, extending a hand to place it softly on Dirk’s elbow. “It won’t. I--I wouldn’t--” he stuttered, glancing down at his hand with a furrowed brow, as if only just now registering what he had done, before withdrawing it hastily and coughing a bit.

“Right,” Dirk replied tightly, suddenly quite bereft at the loss of contact, before hastening to continue, “In all honesty, it was something of a hunch. Sort of like your whole adventure in _‘Boise’_ ,” he punctuated the word with dramatic air-quotations, “I suppose.”

Todd released a small, somewhat breathless sounding laugh, and eyed Dirk consideringly for a long moment.

“Okay,” he murmured, before turning to gesture weakly at the scene before them. “So this is uh--Stop one, I guess? Seattle in a nutshell.”

Dirk blinked, not having even realized that they had stopped, before turning to face where Todd had gestured, and the large, brightly lit market laid out before them.

“Pike Place?” Dirk cried in elation, turning to face Todd with a grin. “I’ve never been!”

“You’ve never--” Todd trailed off, shaking his head a bit before taking on a somewhat resigned expression. “Right. Okay.”

“‘ _Okay’_.” Dirk mocked, though not unkindly, and prodded Todd’s shoulder a bit with his own. “Is that all you’re capable of saying? Seems like a bit of a crutch word, to me.”

There was a beat, within which Todd blinked in a seemingly stunned silence, before Dirk watched, in utter fascination, as his expression shifted into one of steely determination.

“You know what?” Todd spoke, tone held carefully cool and composed, but with an underlying challenge to it that had Dirk’s pulse racing. “Let’s go then, Dirk. Lead the way.”

“With pleasure.” Dirk replied lowly, watching in satisfaction as Todd’s cheeks colored prettily at the words.

If it was a challenge that Todd Brotzman wanted, Dirk decided, already beginning to stride forward with Todd hot on his heels, then he was more than happy to dish out.

\---

“I can’t believe you didn’t want to ride the ferris wheel.”

Todd paused, eyeing Dirk with narrowed eyes over the edge of his glass before taking a long swig from his beer.

“Nobody rides the ferris wheel.” he commented, and set the now empty glass back onto the table between them.

“I definitely saw plenty of people on the wheel, Todd.” Dirk commented drily, reaching forward to swipe a french fry off of Todd’s (still worryingly full) dinner plate and popping it into his mouth. “Far too many to be quite ‘nobody’.” he continued around the mouthful of potato.

“Right,” Todd replied, rolling his eyes slightly. “But--”

“And plenty of people in the queue, as well.” Dirk continued airily.

“Nobody _from_ Seattle, anyway.” Todd amended, insistently. “It’s fucking expensive, man.”

“It seems, if I’m honest, that you were maybe not willing to take the risk.”

“Risk?!” Todd replied with a laugh. “A risk of forty bucks wasted, maybe.”

“Hm,” Dir hummed, sipping the last of his own drink through his straw before placing the empty glass next to Todd’s. “Maybe.”

There was a brief lull, a comfortable silence stretching out between them, as they both simultaneously met each other’s eyes and held the gaze for a long, charged moment.

“Do you wanna like, get out of here?” Todd inquired softly, “Start heading back home?”

“Sure,” Dirk replied, nodding a bit hastily. “I’d like that.”

The night air outside the restaurant was brittle, and it seemed that the two of them were magnetically drawn to each other’s sides as they made to trek back toward the where they’d started.

It had, Dirk reflected, truly been a lovely evening.

The two had wandered the market a little aimlessly, Todd stopping patiently whenever Dirk wanted to point something out, or watch a street musician, or ponder each booth with enthusiastic fascination.

More memorable than any of this, however, had been each time Dirk had caught sight of Todd’s wide-eyed and somewhat wonderous expression trained on him, almost every time he glanced to his side.

The thought made Dirk’s heart flutter now, a comfortable warmth beginning to inhabit the space between his ribs.

“I still can’t believe that you’d never seen the market.” Todd huffed, when they were turning the last corner back toward their square. “You don’t get out much, do you?” he inquired, turning to face Dirk in a sort of fascination.

“As I recall, you told me that you hadn’t been to the market in literally a year.” Dirk shot back, “So I could really say the same about you.”

“Yeah, well.” Todd replied, huffing softly and keeping his gaze trained firmly on his feet.

It was then that Dirk was suddenly struck with a bout of pulse-stuttering impulsiveness and, before he could really take the moment to evaluate whether or not it was the alcohol in his system spurring him on, he had reached a tentative hand out to take Todd’s gently within his own.

The skin was slightly rough beneath his fingertips, and incredibly chilled.

“It really was a lovely evening.” he murmured in the face of Todd’s absolutely bewildered expression. “I had a wonderful time. Thank you.”

There was a long pause, in which Dirk both watched and felt pointedly as Todd seemed to be fighting an internal battle within himself, before his hand tightened (softly, almost imperceptibly) around Dirk’s own.

The gesture was small and hesitant, but enough to send Dirk’s pulse skyrocketing.

“I should be thanking you.” Todd finally replied, shooting Dirk a smile so soft and unsure he thought his heart might burst at the sight of it. “You’re the one who asked, in the first place.”

“Yes, but it was a somewhat half-baked plan.” Dirk admitted, “I don’t know anything about Seattle, after all, and I really had no other ideas in mind besides possibly taking you to a horrid little Chinese restaurant down the road and, in all honesty, I’m not quite sure why I told you that last bit.” he felt himself flush slightly at the admission.

Todd chuckled, grinning outright before his face softened slightly, and he observed Dirk contemplatively for a long moment.

“I like Chinese.” Todd finally replied, as they slowed to a stop just outside _Bergsberg Floral_.

“Really?” Dirk replied, a little breathlessly, his heart swelling almost unbearably when he was met with Todd’s small nod of affirmation, and the hopeful glint in those large eyes.

“Well,” Dirk forced himself to continue past the lump in his throat, “I can always take you, sometime. That is, if…” he trailed off, and blinked at Todd a little wistfully.

“I’d--” Todd broke off, blinking a little and glancing down as if truly considering the idea for the first time. “I’d like that. Really.” he insisted, when Dirk simply continued to gawk in a somewhat stunned silence.

“Right,” Dirk muttered under his breath, before the words truly caught up with him, and a wide grin began to spread across his face. “Right! Fantastic. Brilliant. Truly spectacular work there, Todd. _Wonderful_ idea. I’ll, um...I’ll text you? Or--”

“Oh, shit.” Todd muttered, finally detaching his hand from Dirk’s own (regrettably) to reach into his coat pocket. “Here, I’ll give you my number. I think I have a pen, if--”

“Todd,” Dirk interrupted, his grin growing impossibly wider as he reached into his own pocket. “I think you’ll find this a bit easier.” he extended his own phone, and placed it softly in the palm of Todd’s free hand.

Their fingers brushed again, and Dirk felt his breath catch in his throat at the spark that seemed to crackle between the point of contact.

“Oh. Right--” Todd grimaced a little, before accepting Dirk’s proffered phone. “Right…”

There was silence briefly as Todd tapped his information into Dirk’s phone, before he turned it back over hesitantly.

“Right,” he repeated, as if for want of anything better to say. “I, uh--Tonight was. Really great.” he finally managed, his cheeks dimpling slightly as he smiled softly.

“I’m absolutely in agreement.” Dirk replied, and offered a warm smile of his own before brandishing his phone, “I’ll text you?”

“Yes,” Todd answered quickly, the word almost overlapping the tail end of Dirk’s sentence. The eagerness seemed to catch up with him then, however, and Todd flushed and took a small step back. “I mean--It’d be--if you wanted to, I wouldn’t--”

It was too much, then. Telling himself that it was only to rescue Todd from his misery (though he knew immediately that this wasn’t the whole truth), Dirk recklessly and impulsively swooped forward to place a soft and hesitant kiss to the corner of Todd’s (now gaping) mouth, lingering there for a second too long before pulling away entirely.

“Text you soon?” Dirk inquired, watching in fascination as Todd’s eyes fluttered back open, almost spectacularly wide and taken-aback.

“O-okay.” he replied breathlessly.

“‘Okay’,” Dirk teased with a small grin, before sobering slightly. “Goodnight, Todd.”

“Yeah,” Todd muttered, watching Dirk in something almost like wonder before turning back toward the street. “Goodnight, Dirk.” he called softly over his shoulder, before crossing the street on a stiff, somewhat hurried stride.

Dirk watched as he disappeared into the foggy Seattle evening air, his heart swelling so rapidly it was almost painful, and his lips still tingling softly after the brief contact they’d made.

\---

A whole week was, in Dirk’s opinion, too long a window between dates.

He had, of course, texted Todd as soon as he’d entered his apartment after their outing, collapsing back onto his sofa and pulling out his phone with a wide grin.

_**Dirk** : Are you free tomorrow? :) I’ve got it all planned out already. I had a fantastic time tonight. Thank you, again_

He had waited patiently, vibrating slightly in impatience until, when ten minutes later he still had not received a reply, he forced himself to pick up his iPad and scroll a little mindlessly through various apps until his phone finally (finally) pinged with a response.

_**Todd** : it was really great. can’t do tomorrow. soon?_

Dirk felt his heart sink slightly as he read the words over again, though the promise of a future meet up was enough to spur him eagerly toward a quick reply.

_**Dirk** : No problem! Maybe this weekend? The shop closes at 5 every day so my evenings are relatively free!_

This time, the reply was almost instantaneous, and Dirk eagerly scooped his phone back up to read.

_**Todd** : i’ve got a pretty packed weekend ahead. what about next Thursday?_

Dirk felt his smile flicker slightly as he studied the response.

In retrospect, he supposed that a week wasn’t too terribly long to wait, and he was certain that he’d be seeing Todd in the interim either way. He’d just thought…

_**Dirk** : Perfect! 6 again? Same meet-up?_

This time, the wait for a response was so elongated that Dirk nearly gave up and headed to bed entirely.

It was as he was brushing his teeth, not being able to help feeling just a small bit dejected, that his phone finally chimed, and Dirk felt his heart stilt at the sound of it.

_**Todd** : looking forward to it._

It was simple, but it was a promise, and Dirk felt a grin split his face at the words.

\---

“You look happy.”

Todd paused at the threshold of his apartment, registering somewhat belatedly the two individuals sat on the floor of his living room, a gameboard spread out between them.

“What is happening right now?” he inquired, a little incredulously, briefly fearing that he’d entered the wrong apartment entirely, having wandered the rest of the way back more or less in a total daze.

Not that he could find it within himself to particularly care, at the moment.

“We, uh--” Farah was the first to speak, dipping her head slightly in thought. “We wanted--” she coughed slightly, but neglected to continue.

“Are--are you playing monopoly?” was all Todd could manage in reply, at present, glancing between the two in bewilderment.

“Farah’s choice.” Amanda commented drily, before Farah had a chance to reply, “My vote was trivial pursuit, but I think she’s tired of me always winning.”

“It’s--” Farah scoffed a bit indignantly. “I just prefer a game with a bit more...structure.”

“More like one you can actually win.” Amanda teased.

“This doesn’t explain why either of you are in _my_ apartment.” Todd cut in pointedly.

“Dude!” Amanda cried, leaning forward eagerly where she was sat cross-legged and offering Todd a wide grin. “We wanted to see the aftermath of the first date in real time! How’d it go? Did he totally make a move?” she waggled a brow suggestively, and Todd had to resist the urge to roll his eyes in irritation.

“It--” Todd broke off, the corner of his mouth suddenly buzzing at the memory of the fleeting kiss that Dirk had left there.

He felt heat rush to his face, then, and his pulse began to flutter madly. “He, uh--”

“Oh my god, he totally did!” Amanda was eyeing him unrelentingly, now, her smile still set firmly in place.

“I think that’s probably our cue to leave.” Farah spoke up, then, standing and offering a hand down to help Amanda to her feet. “I’m sure it’s been a long day.”

“Or a long night.” Amanda quipped, offering Todd an exaggerated wink.

“ _Okay_ ,” Todd replied, hunching his shoulders a bit defensively.

“Let’s go.” Farah cut in, taking Amanda’s elbow and steering them toward the door.

Amanda laughed heartily, but broke away just long enough to clasp Todd in a brief hug.

“Glad you had fun.” she murmured, before pulling away and exiting the apartment entirely with a large grin.

“See you tomorrow,” Farah added, offering Todd a small and private smile before following Amanda’s exit hastily.

Todd watched them disappear with a slow and almost dazed blink, the events of the evening already beginning to loop through his mind on repeat as soon as he was left alone.

Dirk’s genuine laughter...The feeling of his hand earnestly clasping Todd’s own…

His lips pressed against Todd’s cheek…

Todd released a somewhat breathless exhale, fearful for a moment that he wouldn’t be able to breathe in properly again as the onslaught of sensations continued to flood in.

He stumbled blearily over to his bed, hardly managing to remove his sneakers before he collapsed onto it, his back hitting the pillows and the precious air he’d been attempting to collect leaving his lungs again with a _whoosh_.

He let allowed himself the small pleasure of mentally replaying the events of the evening, then, the skin of his neck and arms tingling pleasantly as he did so.

Dirk’s bright eyes, taking in each new corner of the market with an endearingly innocent sense of wonder.

His comforting warmth pressed against Todd’s side.

(His parting smile…)

And, for the first time in what felt like an entire lifetime, Todd allowed himself to lie still and replay the comfortable memories without battling a mental blockade, a warm sense of something terrifyingly (and wonderfully) close to hope blooming in the pit of his stomach as he did so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know how to write action sequences nearly as well as i do dumb and sappy conversations, so there's an unfinished draft of exactly what happened during the date sitting in my google docs. deleted scene material, babey !


	5. "what was that?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk and Todd approach their second date with unbridled enthusiasm, though they end up careening toward some unforeseen speedbumps. Some uncomfortable topics are broached, and an uncomfortable truth is revealed.

“You excited?” Farah prodded from behind Todd, nudging his shoulder slightly with the one hand that wasn’t toting a precariously full coffee cup.

“Yeah,” Todd admitted truthfully, turning to give her a small but hopeful smile. “I really am.”

Farah paused, eyeing him speculatively as he slid the drink onto the end of the bar. “I can tell.” she finally murmured, a sense of something like wonder coloring the words. “I’m really happy for you, Todd.”

Todd scoffed a little, “It’s a second date.” he finally managed, already reaching back eagerly to untie his apron as he eyed the clock that had nearly reached 5, and watched as the final customer scooped their drink up eagerly before exiting the shop. “It’s not like it’s a life-changing thing.”

“You _are_ calling it a date, though.” Farah teased, “That’s something in itself. And you’ve been the happiest I’ve seen you in a long time since the last date, Todd.”

“Well,” Todd floundered a bit, his mouth opening and closing before he simply dismissed the claim with a small shrug.

“Seriously,” Farah insisted, hanging her apron on a hook on the wall before approaching Todd and leaning in closely so that he was forced to meet her eyes. “I really am happy for you.”

Todd paused, blinking his suddenly stinging eyes a little before he huffed and moved away entirely to hang his own apron beside Farah’s.

“I guess we’ll see how tonight goes.” he murmured, unable to deny the flutter his pulse gave at the prospect of another evening spent entirely with Dirk Gently. “I didn’t really even think I’d get this far.”

In fact, Dirk’s inquiring about a second date not minutes after the first one had ended had struck Todd unawares from a total left field.

Not that he’d thought that the date had gone badly.

He was more surprised by the idea that he hadn’t fucked the first date up badly, and therefore caused Dirk to express little to no interest in ever speaking to him again.

Much less be the one to broach the topic of a second date at all.

“It’ll be fine.” Farah nodded decidedly as she began scrubbing furiously at the front counter. “You’ll be great. Just don’t...overthink things.” she shot Todd a warning look. “I know how you get.”

“That’s funny, coming from you.” Todd teased back, though he automatically took a step further away as Farah offered a quick glare in retaliation.

“Seriously,” she repeated. “Just let things happen the way they want to. I think you’ll have a lot more fun if you just relax.”

“I’ll take it into consideration.” Todd offered, only half-teasing, and began to roll up the sleeves of his flannel in preparation to help finish closing up. “Can’t make any promises, though.”

“I wouldn’t expect any less.” Farah shot back without missing a beat. Then continued, “You’d better get ready, then.”

Todd blinked, freezing awkwardly halfway out from behind the counter with a wet rag poised mid-air. “We have to close.” he finally replied, somewhat weakly.

“ _I_ have to close.” Farah corrected airily. “You--” she gave Todd a pointed look. “Have to go get changed. Did you bring the jacket I suggested?”

Todd flushed a little, his mind flickering briefly to the denim jacket he’d hastily tossed into the breakroom that morning.

“Yeah,” he finally managed. “But we’re not even meeting until six.”

“You might want to tell Dirk that.” Farah replied evenly, gesturing back over her shoulder with one thumb when Todd furrowed his brow in confusion. He followed her prompting, however, and was struck with a hearty mixture of sudden realization and near-dizzying excitement when he did.

Just across the square he could just make out Dirk’s figure, locking the front door to _Bergsberg Floral_ , almost luminescent in the lamplight that shone from above.

The figure turned, then, and seemed to freeze before raising a hand and waving a little awkwardly, but hardly unenthusiastically.

Todd raised an awkward hand in reply, a bit embarrassed at having been caught staring so blatantly, and started a bit when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

_**Dirk** : Closed up a bit early. Take your time! I can wait_

“I--” Todd stuttered, glancing briefly back toward where Dirk was stood before turning to face Farah’s expectant gaze.

“He’ll freeze out there if you keep him waiting too long.” she commented drily. “Seriously, I can finish up no problem. You go.”

Todd hesitated, before his face split into a wide and unavoidably eager grin.

“You’re the best.” he told Farah, already turning to hasten toward the breakroom. “Seriously.”

“Don’t mention it.” Farah called back with a large grin of her own. “Have _fun_ , Todd.”

Todd’s only reply was a small bubbling chuckle, and he cast one last glance toward the shop across the street before disappearing into the back room to grab his things.

\---

“Hey,” Todd greeted after he’d trotted across the street, offering Dirk a breathless grin. “Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Dirk, for his part, didn’t reply beyond a small hum, and cast a hand out to clasp Todd’s solidly beneath his own (still somehow warm in the chilled winter air).

“Missed you.” he murmured, glancing up from their now entwined hands to gaze at Todd from below his long lashes

To his credit, Todd managed (barely) not to lower his eyes in the face of such a blatant challenge, and met the gaze head on.

“You just saw me this afternoon.” he teased. And, if his words were slightly wobbly, Dirk didn’t mention it.

“Yes, well.” Dirk replied, seeming to hesitate a brief moment before rubbing his thumb lightly over the back of Todd’s hand. “This afternoon was too long ago, in my opinion.”

Todd shuddered slightly, but forced himself to continue steadily, “You ready to go?”

Dirk smiled softly, his cheeks dimpling, and Todd’s heart flipped slightly at the sight.

“You hungry, then?” Dirk teased, his tone low and maddeningly cool. Though, Todd realized belatedly, there was an underlying hesitance held just behind the words; almost fragile in its halting inquiry.

“Really am.” he finally replied, watching in piqued interest as Dirk flushed at the words, before his face took on a hard determination.

“Right,” he replied, a little breathlessly, securing Todd’s hand still held within his own tightly before turning to make down the street to his left. “I think we can fix that.”

And Todd followed automatically, his eyes wide and fascinated, and his heart practically leaping out of his chest.

\---

“So…” Dirk began, swirling the last bit of alcohol in the bottom of his glass and eyeing Todd across the table from beneath those lashes, again. “This can’t be your first date...Or series of.”

Todd huffed, slightly taken aback at the turn the conversation had taken, but unwilling to back down from the subtle inquiry, nonetheless.

“You’d be surprised.” he finally murmured, somewhat shocked at how easily it was to provide the information, and glanced briefly down at his half-drunk beer in speculation before continuing, “It’s been...It’s been a while.”

“And ‘a while’ is….?” Dirk prompted, the question kept respectfully detached, but blatantly curious, nonetheless.

Todd felt himself flush slightly, and he ducked his head.

Remembering the last date he’d been on wasn’t necessarily hard. It was just…

Not a favorite memory of his.

“At least…” Todd finally began, laughing a bit weakly and still not meeting Dirk’s gaze. “Shit. At least four years ago?”

“Four--” Dirk began, going slightly bug-eyed, before he visibly contained himself reached down to inhale another mouthful of the noodles on his plate. “What happened?” he finally managed, past the mouthful of food.

“It was--” Todd trailed off, gazing down at his still mostly full plate of sweet-and-sour chicken before offering Dirk a weak smile. “It was Stephen. The uh--The Boise...band guy.” he chuckled a little bit at Dirk’s awed expression. “It uh--didn’t work out.” he heaved a somewhat tremulous breath. “I actually--I actually fucked it up pretty bad.”

After all, Todd recalled a little miserably, it wasn’t like it had been Stephen himself who had been the draw to Boise for him, in the first place.

Rather, it had been the glittering and exciting promise of a new life; leaving Seattle and playing music and freeing himself of the unvarying strew of unfulfilling jobs that had made up a good portion of his adult life, to date.

And, when the cold reality of just how difficult that pattern was to break had begun to set in, suddenly Boise hadn’t been enough.

And Todd had made no secret of the fact.

“Oh,” Dirk replied lowly, his mouth turning down into a sympathetic frown as he seemed to mull the words over.

There was a brief lull, within which Todd swallowed thickly, studying his beer with slightly filmed eyes, before Dirk extended a hand and placed it softly atop Todd’s own.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t--” Todd insisted quickly, his throat suddenly tight and dry and uncomfortable. He withdrew his hand from Dirk’s in order to reach for his drink, and took a long sip before continuing, “Don’t apologize. It--”

He trailed off, then, unsure of how else to continue as the air grew suddenly static and tense around them.

“It was probably better off…” he finally finished weakly.

“Right, so…” Dirk began, his eyes bouncing off the walls around them before he reached forward to stuff another large scoop of noodles into his mouth, presumingly in want of anything better to do.

It had hardly been an hour, Todd realized with a small wince. Hardly an hour, and he’d already managed to make this the most awkward second date perceivable. Because of course he had.

At the realization, Todd’s mind began a frantic scramble. There had to be a way to save the conversation, he thought a little wildly.

“What about you?” Todd blurted before he could really register the words, dropping his own forkful of chicken back to the plate with a clatter, eyeing Dirk hopefully as his heart hammered uncomfortably within his chest.

“What about--” Dirk began, his brows furrowing as he shot Todd a long and considering look.

“I mean--” Todd stuttered, glancing down at the sticky tabletop between them before hurriedly reaching for his drink. “About dates and--and stuff.”

“Oh!” Dirk replied easily, “Well, my last relationship was about a year ago.”

At the admission, Todd felt himself inhale his beer slightly, and fought not to cough too obviously.

(Though, in the face of Dirk’s speculative expression, he was sure that he had failed).

“A year?!” Todd repeated, feeling suddenly a bit small and insignificant. “What, uh--”

“What happened?” Dirk finished for him, and seemed to consider the question for a long moment. “I don’t know.” he finally replied with a small shrug. “I suppose we just weren't meant for each other. He was quite wonderful, though. Always a lot of fun. His name was Michael. He was American, too! Studying in England. We’re still quite good friends, actually.”

Todd swallowed slightly, suddenly willing himself to appear much smaller than he was currently feeling, and tried valiantly to ignore the guilt he could feel swilling at the bottom of his stomach for feeling inadequate at the new information in the first place.

_Quite good friends…_

Todd recalled distantly how quickly he’d packed his things in Boise, and the flimsy excuse he’d given to Stephen for wanting to leave in the first place…

(Stephen’s parting, _Fuck you!_ as he’d exited their apartment for the last time).

The walls in the tiny restaurant had seemed to suddenly begin closing around them as Todd took in the information with a small grimace.

It wasn’t worth a personal comparison, he internally reminded himself. Clearly, this was a relationship long past.

If Dirk said that he and this...Michael weren’t compatible, then they weren’t.

It was nothing to get worked up over, at the very least. Nothing to be jealous of.

“You must--” Todd managed thickly, past the sudden nausea rolling in his gut as he eyed his still mostly full plate.

He wasn’t necessarily jealous, he realized with a start. He wasn’t jealous, and yet…

And yet something had shifted, so suddenly and with such force that Todd’s stomach rolled again with the force of it.

“You must miss him.” he forced himself to continue, the words sticking slightly in his throat.

Dirk shrugged in response, his features light and unbothered and blatantly honest.

“I suppose.” he replied airily. “It just...It’s odd. Being here.” his bright smile dimmed slightly, and he seemed to consider his next words carefully. “Being here and...And having very few friends. Having no plans for any holidays or, or nothing to do on the weekends. It’s--” he heaved a sigh, not unhappy, but somewhat wistful in its breathiness. “It’s somewhat lonely, I suppose. But I suppose that I knew that, getting into it.”

“No plans for--” Todd echoed almost silently, mouthing the words a few times over before they truly caught up with him, and he sat slightly straighter in his seat.

“Amanda!” he cried, swaying slightly and almost drunkenly, though his brow furrowed moments later, and he glanced down at his only just finished first drink in something close to alarm.

What the hell--

“Amanda?” Dirk prodded, raising a brow in something that looked like concern. “Your sister? Todd--”

“Yes!” Todd insisted, the word bursting forth much louder than he’d anticipated. He cleared his throat slightly, then, taking a deep breath before forcing himself to continue more evenly, “Yeah. She’s, uh. She’s having a party. For the holidays, I mean. And, uh--”

“The holidays?” Dirk echoed blankly, before a somewhat concerned expression overtook his features. “Todd...You do know that it’s January?”

The question wasn’t unkind, but Todd felt himself prickle slightly, nonetheless.

“Uh, yeah.” Todd nodded, blinking a bit as the room spun a little at the movement. “It’s--She was travelling with her band last month so I guess she’s--” he shrugged a bit. “Making up for it? Anyway, it’s coming up, and um--”

Dirk eyed him warily for another long moment, before apprehension seemed to dawn on his face, and a wildly expressive enthusiasm began to shine through.

“A party?” Dirk he finally spoke, nearly bouncing in his seat. “Your sister’s? You’re--Are you inviting me?”

“I’d--” Todd cleared his throat a little and glanced away toward the colorful tapestries hung on the wall of the tiny dining room. “If you want to.” he finally managed, “It’d be--If you wanted to come with, I’d--”

“I’d love to.” Dirk cut in hastily, his slightly flushed cheeks dimpling deeply as he offered Todd a wide and eager smile. “Really.”

Todd felt himself crack a small smile in relief, though it seemed a monumental effort, past the suddenly hot and tight skin of his face in the small and crowded restaurant.

“Great,” he managed, his throat suddenly dry, and he coughed slightly before continuing, “I’ll, uh, I’ll text you where and, uh, when--”

He glanced down at his phone, jittering almost disorientingly in his hands as he tapped out the quick info, and hit _send_ before he could consider otherwise.

“That way you have it.” Todd continued, struggling a bit now to catch his breath, “And you can...”

He trailed off, the air around them having grown suddenly hot and constricted and--

“Todd?” Dirk interrupted, his expression melting into something close to a concerned frown, and Todd was distantly aware of him extending a hand to place it atop Todd’s own. “You’ve gone all...pasty. Is something wrong?”

Todd physically felt all of his focus drain to the point of contact between them, his skin beginning to prickle almost maddeningly as the walls around them seemed to grow closer and heavier.

 _No_ , he thought distantly, his breaths coming out in short and shallow pants, now.

_No…_

“Todd?” he was distantly aware of Dirk’s voice, hazy and somewhat frantic as it echoed.

“Todd?!”

Everything was magnified, suddenly. Dirk’s hand...the conversation bubbling in the dining room around them…

Todd took the moment to yank his hand out from underneath Dirk’s own, then, the point of contact suddenly becoming hot to the point of blistering pain.

The sound of distant chatter and cutlery hitting plates continued to build around them and...and…

A watery, distant and terrified shriek sounded, just beyond Todd’s realm of consciousness.

Before Todd could truly register the noise, the edges of his vision began to grey out, and his head began to swim sickeningly.

“Todd?” Dirk’s distant voice continued to chant, panicked now.

The echoing screaming was really all that Todd was able to cling to, then, the oxygen draining out of the room continued to struggle for breath.

It was only when he saw the flames began to engulf his hands, held trembling within the line of his swaying vision, that Todd really registered that the screaming was coming from himself.

\---

Dirk was, in all honesty, quite unsure of how exactly to describe what had happened that night in the dining room of the little Chinese restaurant.

Things had been going...Well, not exactly great. Dirk would admit that he did feel a bit responsible for Todd’s clear discomfort after he’d broached the topic of relationships, and had mentally berated himself as he continued to watch Todd squirm, his expression dropping into one of pure misery.

 _Stupid Dirk!_ he’d mentally chided. _It’s a second date. Hardly time to be bringing up uncomfortable life stories!_

As it was, it was hardly time to be prodding at the idea of relationships in the first place, he supposed.

Just because he’d managed to secure a second date didn’t mean the two of them had entered full-blown relationship status, just yet.

(Though, if he were being honest, Dirk would admit that he certainly wouldn’t have minded in the least if this did become a development).

But, excluding this small hiccup in conversation, Dirk felt with relative confidence that he could state that the evening had been going quite well. Being invited to Amanda’s house party, particularly, was enough to reassure him that the evening hadn’t been a total disaster.

Todd wanted him to meet (or re-meet, he supposed) Amanda. A family member!

Now this, Dirk would concede, might just have been toeing the line of relationship territory.

It was as Dirk was beginning to mentally rejoice such a milestone that things, of course, began to take a rather unexpected and, quite truthfully, horrifying turn.

Dirk really wasn’t entirely sure where the shift had taken place.

They’d been chatting with perfect ease at one moment, and the next--

All the blood had seemed to drain from Todd’s face. He had swayed slightly in his chair, not responding as Dirk continued to call his name, his brow furrowed and his eyes wide and glassy.

Dirk had felt his own heart flip spectacularly, his mind flickering wildly back and forth over the potential possibilities of what might be happening as Todd began to tremble faintly, but visibly.

 _It’s a seizure,_ Dirk thought a little hysterically, shaking Todd’s hand beneath his own with a bit more force than was probably necessary. _He’s going to fall to the floor and start seizing at any moment. He’s going to choke on his own tongue and die here and I won’t be able to stop it oh **God--**_

It was then, so suddenly that Dirk jolted slightly backward at the movement, that Todd yanked his hand back to himself and began to study it, his eyes growing impossibly wider and his mouth falling open--

Which was when the screaming had begun.

If he lived to be a hundred years old, Dirk would reflect later, he would never truly ever be able to forget the sound of those choked and desperate screams.

“Todd!” Dirk cried for what felt like the millionth time, and lunged out of his seat to catch the still screaming man as he slid out of his own seat and plummeted toward the ground.

_Oh God, it’s happening…_

“Todd, what’s going on?” Dirk cried over the sound of the yelling, pointedly ignoring the gazes of the other customers in the small restaurant. “What’s happening?!”

“It--” Todd began, before the word tapered off into another choked off scream that ended on a harsh sob.

He writhed a bit in Dirk’s arms, his legs kicking desperately, and bit his lip so hard a bit of blood began to dribble down his chin. He began to paw frantically at the pocket of his jacket, then, with one violently trembling and spasming hand.

“Todd,” Dirk breathed again, unable to tell whether or not he had preferred the screaming over the bitten off, whimpering sobs that Todd was emitting now. “Todd, Todd, Todd. What--” he broke off, watching as Todd continued to tug uselessly at his jacket.

With a furrowed brow, Dirk hesitated briefly before reaching into the pocket and immediately latching onto the pill bottle that was nestled there.

“Todd!” he cried again, brandishing the pill bottle with a sort of empty triumph, now. “Is this it? Is this--no, no Todd!” he cut himself off, shaking Todd a bit when the latter’s eyes began to roll slightly. “Don’t--Is this what you need?”

“Hey!” a voice cut in, startling Dirk into nearly dropping the bottle.

He turned to meet eyes with someone stepping out of the kitchen, their gaze trained a little fearfully on Todd’s still spasming form. “What’s his problem?”

“I--I don’t know!” Dirk cried, glancing back down at the pills in his hand and hesitating. 

_I don’t know…_

Todd released another small, hoarse yell, weaker now than the rest, and Dirk’s mind was made up for him.

“Right,” he muttered, uncapping the bottle before shaking out one of the blue pills inside a little unsteadily. “Okay, Todd! Take this.”

Todd eyed the offering in something close to panic, his teeth still clenched tightly together as Dirk brought the pill closer.

“Please,” Dirk insisted, his voice somewhat choked and watery, now. “Please, Todd.”

There was a beat, the only sounds within which were Todd’s continued grunts and bitten off whimpers, before something like recognition fickered behind his eyes, and his mouth fell automatically open.

Acting quickly (and trying desperately not to feel odd about it), Dirk shot forward and placed the pill in Todd’s still waiting mouth.

It seemed, at first, that there was little change. Todd screwed his eyes shut, dry-swallowing the pill and still whimpering softly.

 _Oh God_ , Dirk thought distantly, _It’s not the right medication. It’s someone else’s and I’ve made it worse...It’s for something else entirely...It was the wrong dosage and I’ve harmed him. It--_

Then, miraculously, Todd opened his mouth and took a long, shuddering breath. His eyes opened suddenly, wide and bloodshot as they frantically skittered over his surroundings, his chest beginning to rise and fall rapidly.

“You’re alright.” Dirk soothed automatically, belatedly realizing that he was still all but clinging to Todd’s form. “It’s alright. It was just--”

_What?_

Dirk registered then that he was trembling violently, his own breaths leaving him in short and shallow pants.

And, when Todd finally met his eyes, the horror that instantly began to dawn on his face didn’t help the fact.

“Are you--”

Todd jerked, cutting Dirk off mid-sentence and yanking himself from his hold to stumble unsteadily to his feet.

“Wha--” he began, the sound more a croak of confusion than anything. He glanced warily around the room, his cheeks flushing a deep crimson as he was presumably met with a sea of blatant stared, each ranging from intense curiosity to simple and unmasked embarrassment.

Todd swallowed, lowering his gaze to the floor as a sort of realization seemed to begin to sink in.

And Dirk continued to sit on the floor, unable to will himself into moving; and unable to think of anything to say to fill the deafening silence that had continued to stretch between them.

Todd finally did glance up, then, his hands trembling slightly as he meet Dirk’s eyes briefly in nothing less than abject horror--

Before he lurched toward the door, the chair he’d been leaning against scraping unforgivably along the floor beneath.

The restaurant seemed to whirl back to life, then. As if a switch had been flipped, hushed conversation began to rumble throughout the small space. Plates and glasses clicked as everyone slowly began to return to their meals. And Todd--

Todd was halfway out the door, the evening dark outside already beginning to obscure his figure.

“Todd!” Dirk yelped, lurching back to life and scrambling toward the exit (after tossing a pile of bills down onto the table and hoping they would be sufficient).

Outside, Dirk’s short and shallow breaths left him in small and visible clouds, and he he cast his gaze around frantically until it caught on Todd’s figure, already hurrying into the chilled evening air, his hands stuffed deeply into his pockets.

“Todd!” Dirk called again, his voice cracking slightly as he scurried to catch up to the already disappearing man. “Wait!”

Todd, it seemed, either couldn’t hear him, or simply didn’t want to.

He rounded the corner ahead a bit unsteadily, and sped away before Dirk could fully catch up.

“Todd!” Dirk called again, his heart hammering inside of his chest, now.

What if he got lost? What if….whatever had happened happened again? And he was left alone in some back alley in the cold, yelling and writhing and--

“Todd!” Dirk sped forward and forced himself to ignore the sudden nausea flipping in his gut, determined to make sure that Todd made it relatively close to home alright, at the very least.

As it turned out, this wasn’t very far.

As Dirk rounded the next corner ahead, relying almost entirely on instinct now, he felt his heart stutter slightly as he caught sight of Todd, just about to enter a rather shabby-looking apartment building at the end of the street.

A thousand thoughts and emotions began to whirl through Dirk’s head as he hurried toward the lone figure, his throat constricting slightly with the force of them.

“Todd!” he called, causing Todd to jolt slightly. “What--” he caught up, then, and reached out a hand to grasp at Todd’s elbow. “What--what was that?”

“Gah!” Todd cried, whirling to face Dirk with a somewhat manic expression and stumbling back a step, the light from the building behind illuminating his stricken features. “Enough! Just stop!”

And Dirk did. He halted to a slow stop, drawing his shoulders up to his ears as he apprehensively watched Todd heave for breath, his small hands clenching and unclenching almost habitually.

“Stop!” Todd repeated, his voice high and reedy and his gaze continuing to flick about frantically before it finally landed, haltingly, on Dirk.

“Stop it. Just--just stop. Stop.”

Dirk released a small, shuddering sigh, and opened his mouth to reply.

Only for Todd to turn and let himself into the building with a small huff, not turning back again.

It was, Dirk realized belatedly as he watched Todd disappear, an inarguable and pointed rejection to any conversation that might have potentially followed.

With a soft sigh, he turned and began his lonely retreat back toward where they’d begun, the crisp winter air battering his figure.

It was only as he was trekking back to his own apartment, head hung low as he considered the frankly mystifying events of the evening, that Dirk stuffed his hands into his trouser pockets--

And realized that he’d entirely forgotten about the bottle of pills he’d left hastily stuffed there.

 _Shit_.

\---

Farah was finishing her bowl of noodles, a book stretched out before her as Netflix flickered blearily in the background, when a weak knocking from the other side of her front door drew her from her concentration.

She stood warily, her heart already hammering somewhat alarmingly in her chest as she approached the door, her shoulders automatically tensing.

She glanced wildly toward the clock in the kitchen. 8pm. Which, she considered, was arguably still justifiably early enough for visitors.

It was rare, however, for her to receive any visitors at all past 6 o’clock. Other than…

“Todd?” Farah called out loud, hastening toward the door and suddenly completely sure in her guess.

Though she couldn’t deny the slight sinking of her stomach at the realization.

Todd was supposed to have been with Dirk. Presumably all evening, Farah had been sure.

Then why…

“Todd?” Farah called again, already reaching for the door handle and pulling the door open. “What--”

And, just on the other side of the door stood Todd, trembling in the hallway and drying the words in her throat as she took in the sight; Todd stood, struck motionless and eyeing Farah with wide and bloodshot eyes as he seemed to struggle for words.

“Todd?” Farah questioned incredulously, her stomach tightening at the sight. “Todd--What?”

It was as if a switch had been flipped, suddenly

With a tremulous breath, Todd’s gaze shot to meet hers, tears brimming at the corners of his eyes.

“Hey,” Farah murmured, swooping forward to place a somewhat unsteady hand on Todd’s elbow. “What’s up? Todd--”

Todd inhaled sharply, biting his lip and pausing with an almost heartbreaking hesitation hovering just behind his eyes before he whispered, the words almost too quiet to catch, “Can I come in?”

“Of course.” Farah nodded earnestly, placing a soft hand on Todd’s shoulder and ushering him into the apartment beside her before letting the door swing closed behind them.

“Todd,” she finally began, when it seemed that Todd was only going to continue to pant wetly in the entryway, and made sure to keep her tone low and soothing. “What happened?”

The dam seemed to burst, then--suddenly and with little warning.

Todd inhaled again, though the breath ended on a sharp, barking sob, and his shoulders began to tremble violently.

“Hey,” Farah murmured again, hesitating only briefly before surging forward to wrap her arms around Todd’s shoulders.

Immediately, Todd’s form seemed to crumple, and he raised both hands to clutch at the edges of her hoodie, the sobbing continuing to increase as he all but fell against her.

“I fucked up,” he gasped, the words almost unidentifiable. “Farah, I--I--”

“Hey, shhh.” Farah murmured, tightening her hold slightly and placing her cheek gently on the side of his head (something she knew from experience was almost always certain to help calm him down). “It’s gonna be okay. Shh.”

Todd choked another sob, but offered no reply beyond the occasional whimper.

“It’s okay.” Farah continued to insist, her heart constricting slightly as the weight of the situation truly began to register.

_Oh, Todd…_

“It’ll be okay.”

\---

A near-wordless hour and a half later found the both of them sat on the cool tile floor of Farah’s bathroom, Todd curled up near the toilet after having just purged what little was left in his stomach, his head leaning against the glass door of the shower as Farah rubbed his back sympathetically.

It wasn’t until then that Farah felt confident enough in her guess as to what had happened to finally broach the topic.

“What was it?” she questioned softly, feeling the muscles of Todd’s shoulder tense immediately beneath her hand at the inquiry.

It was vague, but she’d asked a similar variation of the question enough times now that she knew Todd would understand without further explanation.

For a long moment, the only sound in the room was the faint hum of electricity from the vanity light, and Farah was ready to let the issue drop entirely when Todd’s quiet reply broke the fragile silence.

“Fire.” he finally whispered, his blank gaze just identifiable in the reflection of the glass shower door as the monosyllabic reply rung despondently between them.

Farah swallowed thickly, though didn’t make to reply (what was there to say?).

Instead, she simply shifted slightly closer and continued to rub Todd’s back in the stretching silence.

The two didn’t speak again that evening, even as Todd drifted into an exhausted sleep on her sofa, three of Farah’s thickest comforters wrapped tightly around his still tense and vaguely trembling form.

And, when morning dawned and Farah made the both of them a (strong) cup of coffee, Todd, it seemed, was determined to continue on as if the evening before hadn’t happened at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, writing this chapter: y'know what would be REAL fun...  
> me, re-reading and editing this chapter: why would i DO this


	6. 'okay' is good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are left on a somewhat rocky ground after Dirk and Todd's previous parting of ways.  
> Dirk is offered some advice from an old friend, a tentative reconnection is attempted, and Todd comes to a somewhat unsettling realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back !  
> this week has kicked my ass (i've just finished day 8 of 17 consecutive days of work in a row), so this chapter is a bit shorter (this is also because the cut off point was odd but y'know)  
> a huge thank you again to everyone who's taken the time to read/comment on this tiny fic!!! y'all are the reason i keep updating xx

“Weird? Like, as in weirder than everything normally is with you?” 

“Shut up,” Dirk replied mulishly, shifting so that he was laid out on his other side on his sofa and reaching for another slice of the pizza that was currently on the floor beside him. “I don’t know why I even called you.” 

“Because you don’t want to ‘bother’ your boss anymore than you ‘already have’.” Michael quoted back to him from the other end of the line. “So you said. Though I can’t see how he’d really be bothered. This is better than any trashy gay romance, honestly.” 

“You would know.” Dirk snorted slightly, though his heart was hardly in the jab.

It had been two whole days since what Dirk had mentally dubbed the “Chinese Restaurant Incident”. 

48 hours of him guiltily eyeing the near-empty pill bottle sat on his bedside table, unable to convince himself to return it, just yet. 

Two days that had been filled mostly with Dirk staring moodily across the square all day, and returning to his flat at the end of the night with take-out pizza. 

And, in that time, Todd hadn’t texted once. 

Not that Dirk had really expected him to…

It wasn’t like he’d made much of an effort, either. 

“Whatever,” Michael replied airily, before continuing, “You’re being dumb.” 

“I beg your pardon?” Dirk cried, a little incredulously, and sat up slightly on the sofa. 

“You’re being dumb, man.” Michael insisted, and Dirk could practically see him shrugging in feigned indifference. “Just because something kind of weird happened between you doesn’t mean that you should be getting all moody about it.” 

“I’m not--” 

“Moody. I know you.” Michael interrupted smoothly. 

“But--” Dirk paused, heaving a sigh and mulling the words over briefly. “It wasn’t just...weird. It was _weird_ , weird. It was--” he inhaled a little shakily, unwilling to recall the moment in too much detail, just yet. “He was writhing on the floor, Michael. He was...screaming, and…” he trailed off, shuddering a bit at the memory. 

“Was it like,” Michael began, and his tone would have sounded somewhat bored and disinterested to anyone else but Dirk. “A seizure, or…?” 

“No,” Dirk dismissed immediately, his stomach churning slightly in guilt in preparation for his next admission. “It’s actually, um...Something called…” he paused, screwing his brows together in an attempt to recall the bizarre name he’d discovered on the label of the abandoned pill bottle. “Para--Pararibulitis.” 

“Oh, sure!” Michael replied, eagerly now. “The nerve disease. The uh, uh--Hallucinations and shit.” 

“Of course you would know.” Dirk muttered, moody again, and stuffed a large bite of pizza into his mouth. “Because of course you would.” 

“Look, we can’t both be the knowledgeable medical student in this relationship.” Michael shot back. “And you wouldn’t still talk to me if I didn’t know things.” 

“Bullshit.” Dirk rolled his eyes before sobering slightly. “So these...these hallucinations are…” 

“Look,” Michael cut in, his tone somewhat firmer now. “This really isn’t my thing to say. I know you. You probably already googled the whole thing, but,” Dirk winced slightly, but made no reply. 

“This is his thing to tell you.” Michael finally finished. “If he even wants to. And Dirk?” 

“Hm?” Dirk hummed lightly in reply, already sensing where this conversation was going. 

“ _If_ he wants to. That’s some weird, personal shit, man. Give him his space.” 

Dirk pouted slightly, though he knew it was impossible to see, and muttered again, “I don’t know why I called you,” 

From the other end of the line, Michael’s tinny laugh rang out in reply. 

“Cause you need someone to remind you shit like this.” he said, at length. “Seriously, though. You sound happy. Even right now, you sound happy. I like this guy. He sounds good for you.” 

“Hm.” Dirk replied again, though he could hardly deny his heart flipping slightly at the words. “Good night, Michael.” 

“Good morning, you mean.” Michael teased with what sounded like a yawn. “You always call so early.” 

“Hardly my fault.” Dirk scoffed. “You’re the one who decided to move to England in the first place.” 

“And now you know how it feels.” Michael shot back. “Got a taste for American boys, huh?” 

“Shut up,” Dirk replied again, his cheeks flushing slightly. “Goodnight.”

 

“Good _morning_ ,” Michael replied before hanging up, and leaving Dirk miserably entirely alone with his thoughts.

He turned slightly on the sofa, his gaze inevitably falling on the bottle of pills inside his bedroom, sat conveniently just within his line of sight.

With a huff, Dirk shifted so that his back was turned to the thought-provoking sight, and instead reached for another slice of his cooling pizza. 

This was, he reflected blearily, hardly a battle that couldn’t be fought in the morning.

(Though, as was proven two hours following this, the spinning thoughts that kept him up, staring at the ceiling with a furrowed brow, seemed to disagree).

\---

It wasn’t that Dirk had been stalling, he reminded himself as he stood, bouncing nervously on the balls of his feet, outside of _Spring’s Cafe_ three days later. 

It had simply been a busy few days. Things at the shop had been…

Well, relatively slow, as always. And he couldn’t really say that he’d had much else going on, besides biding his time and trying everything he knew to convince himself to take the first step toward initiating contact with Todd Brotzman, again. 

_Five days is plenty of space,_ Dirk thought a little distantly, reaching out and failing (yet again) to work himself up to opening the door. _It’s been plenty of time_.

And, if it this wasn’t the case, Dirk reasoned, he could always play the visit off as his simply returning Todd’s pills to him before hastily retreating to his place of work. 

It was the sensible thing to do, anyway. And if it happened to give him an extra few minutes to speak to Todd again (make things right…), then who was he to complain? 

The thought firmly in mind, Dirk reached out once more in determination, before a soft scuffle just beyond his line of vision to the right drew his attention. 

He turned just in time to catch sight of Todd rounding the side of the building, his gaze held firmly downcast as he hastened toward the door. 

“Hi!” Dirk blurted before he could stop himself, unable to help the flutter of excitement he felt as soon as he caught sight of the man. 

Todd, it seemed, may not have shared the sentiment. 

He paused, eyes somehow still trained on the scuffed toes of his sneakers, before he glanced up to meet Dirk’s gaze warily. 

“Hey…” he began slowly, glancing around the square as if not quite confident that he was the one Dirk had been addressing. 

Dirk felt his smile melt into something a bit fond at the familiar behavior, before he mentally shook himself back to focus on the moment at hand. 

“I--I brought you these.” Dirk managed at last, striding forward and reaching into his pocket to draw out the pill bottle. 

Todd froze a little as he eyed the bottle, hunching his shoulders slightly and drawing his sweater clad arms a bit tighter around his middle.

(Dirk had never seen him wear anything similar to the old and somewhat worn looking sweater before, the words ‘comfort item’ flashed briefly in his mind, unbidden).

Todd finally seemed to make up his mind, then, and extended an unsteady hand to accept the proffered item, his wary gaze not leaving Dirk’s face the entire time.

“Tha-anks.” he muttered, hastily stuffing the bottle into the pocket of his jeans as his gaze fell again. 

_Well, that’s it then_. Dirk felt his heart drop slightly at the realization. 

This was how it was to end. Months worth of pining and unequivocally wonderful interactions, all to be thrown away after this. 

They would go their separate ways; awkwardly avoiding eye-contact, rearranging their daily routines to avoid accidentally interacting with one another. 

Dirk would be left to pine across the square day in and day out, find a new spot to order his afternoon tea, and probably be unable to force himself to move past this for months on end. 

Todd would most likely delete his number. Move on with little trouble and--

 _Maybe move back to Boise,_ Dirk thought, a bit wildly. 

“Listen.” Todd was speaking again, derailing Dirk’s spinning thoughts and drawing him roughly back to the present. “I’m sorry. About what happened, I mean. I, uh--”

“Oh, don’t!” Dirk interrupted, shaking his head forcefully. “Don’t be. It’s hardly your fault.” 

Todd frowned a little uncomfortably at the words, his cheeks tinting a bright and embarrassed pink. “Right,” he finally murmured, and coughed before continuing, his tone kept carefully cool and controlled. “You probably--probably want to know what happened. Uhm--” 

“Not if you don’t want to.” Dirk dismissed, wincing a little guiltily but suddenly gripped with the urgent need to lay everything out on the table. “I know...a little.” 

“What--?” Todd’s brow furrowed as he eyed Dirk incredulously. “How--” 

“The bottle.” Dirk confessed, gesturing weakly toward Todd’s pocket. 

There was a small moment of silence, before a sort of shameful realization smoothed Todd’s features. 

“Right,” he whispered again, his shoulders hunching slightly. 

_This is it._ Dirk repeated to himself again, his stomach dropping slightly.

“Well...Thanks.” Todd nodded jerkily once, twice, and offered a sort of apologetic expression before turning toward the door. 

_This is it…_

“Todd!” Dirk cried, startling even himself with the intensity behind the word. 

Todd paused, turning to glance expectantly and somewhat cautiously over his shoulder. 

“I’m free this weekend.” Dirk forced himself to continue, at length, willing himself to ignore the prickle of uncertainty at the back of his neck. “If--if you are. We don’t have to do dinner!” he cried as he watched Todd’s eyes widen slightly in something uncomfortably close to shock. “We can do anything. Anything you’d like, I’d just...If you wanted.” 

“You--” Todd trailed off, glancing away a long moment before turning a somewhat disbelieving expression back on Dirk. “You want to--”

“See you again, yes.” Dirk insisted, slightly breathless now, and nodded again. “If--If that’s something that you’d like, that is.” 

“I--” Todd hesitated, glancing between Dirk and the door in a somewhat panicked frenzy. “I--I have to work.” he finally replied, weakly. 

Dirk felt his heart constrict slightly, though he could hardly blame Todd for his hesitance. 

And, he reminded himself a little bleakly, it wasn’t necessarily a “no”, after all. 

“Of--Of course.” he managed with a small smile, and offered a weak wave. “Good to see you, Todd.” 

“Yeah.” Todd nodded, and he eyed Dirk warily another long moment before turning and disappearing into the cafe. 

Dirk watched him go, stuffing his hands into his trouser pockets and lingering another moment before sighing softly and turning on his heel to retreat back across the street. 

Dirk had made it back into the interior of the shop, and was already working himself up to a good long sulk behind the counter, when his phone buzzed in his pocket and startled him slightly out of his funk. 

_**Todd** : Okay._

Dirk blinked a little disbelievingly at the message, before a large grin began to split his face, and he glanced up beam in the direction of the coffee shop across the street, nearly knocking the small display he’d been halfheartedly arranging moments before to the floor in his enthusiasm.

 _‘Okay’_ was good, he thought, nodding determinedly and already tapping out a quick reply. 

_‘Okay’_ was fantastic.

\---

Todd Brotzman was 31 years old when he contracted Pararibulitis. 

The disease had run in his family for five generations, and Todd couldn’t really remember a family get-together wherein there hadn’t been at least one “incident”. 

His earliest memory was of their Aunt Esther, laid out on the sofa in the corner of a darkened living room on Thanksgiving night, most the family gathered around her in concern as she muffled her screams into a throw pillow. 

_‘Anyone could be a carrier,’_ Todd could remember being murmured, in hushed tones that he likely hadn’t been meant to hear, during the solemn conversations that followed such events. 

And the words had stuck with him.

_Anyone…_

By the time Todd had been somewhere around 25, he’d assumed that he’d blessedly avoided that particular fate. 

He’d lived a full few years of adulthood, already. Between partying his way through college, and playing as many gigs as his little band could possibly scrounge up in his late 20’s, he was sure that he’d brushed danger and death plenty enough to have had experienced some warning signs, at the very least. 

Which was when he promptly forced himself to forget about the possibility in its entirety and move on. 

Therefore, it seemed like a somewhat cruel twist of the universe that his first attack had occurred at 31 fucking years old. 

At one of Amanda’s gigs, no less.

One minute, he’d been bouncing enthusiastically next to Farah (who, to his mild surprise, had asked to tag along once Todd had informed her that Amanda was going to be playing a set), and the next…

The walls had suddenly seemed too close, the bodies bumping up against him too hot and the friction suddenly too _much_. 

At first, Todd had assumed that he had haphazardly and accidentally stumbled into the realm of becoming too high (it wouldn’t have been the first time, after all), and had been in the process of turning to Farah to remark as much, when the room began to spin dizzyingly around him, and his focus had zeroed in on his arm. 

His arm, which was currently on fire. 

The next thing Todd knew, he was on the floor, the individuals who’d moments before been crowding him suddenly giving him almost a room’s worth of space. 

From somewhere to his right, he could just make out Farah’s frantic calling of his name, nearly drowned out by someone’s harsh sounding screams.

“I know what’s happening!” someone had called, before Todd had blearily registered the voice as Amanda’s. “I know what’s happening…” 

Next he was aware, Todd was back in his apartment, trembling violently on the sofa with his head pillowed in Farah’s lap, her hand stroking his arm while Amanda’s voice floated from somewhere in the kitchen as she conducted a series of somewhat frantic sounding phone calls. 

Following the incident, Todd had shut himself up in his apartment for nearly two weeks, terrified to even open the window for fear of triggering something.

Amanda had arranged everything; somehow snagged him his first prescription of meds, bought him groceries, and ensured that he didn’t neglect the bare minimum of his own existence, such as eating and showering.

It had, he was able to reflect later, been the most miserable two weeks of his entire life. 

Tense as a livewire and terrified of everything, Todd had triggered more attacks for himself in the tiny and secluded space of his apartment than he’d ever experienced, following. 

It was only at Amanda’s insistence that he finally forced himself out of the seclusion. 

“You’re making things worse for yourself, Todd.” she’d chided, “Keeping the world locked out isn’t gonna help anything.” 

Which was when Todd had begun to develop something of a plan; a schedule. 

His first venture outside had been tentative. It was relatively simple; helping Farah walk her corgi, Lydia, through the park across the street from his apartment building. 

Todd had known instantly that Farah had arranged specifically to walk the park closest to him, and at the realization had felt a swell of affection and appreciation for her so powerful it had almost hurt. 

Farah had kept up a steady stream of conversation the entire time, casting what Todd supposed she thought were subtle concerned glances in his direction every so often. 

But they’d chatted. And it hadn’t been excruciatingly painful. 

And, when Todd had returned to his apartment after bidding Farah a fond goodbye, he’d all but bolted to the sofa and pulled out his phone to call Amanda. 

“I didn’t have an attack,” he’d shared, somewhat breathlessly, the word still tasting somewhat acrid on his tongue. 

“You went outside!?” Amanda had cried, “Dude. That’s so punk.” 

It was the kick Todd needed. Within the week, he has tentatively returned to his schedule at the cafe (Farah having mercifully scheduled around his absence until he was ready to return). 

And, after another month, Todd had his routine firmly in place, and had no intention of breaking it. 

In the few months after Todd had contracted the disease that had run through his family for generations, he had only encountered three total people who had witnessed one of his attacks, and with relative ease had continued to treat him in the exact same way that they had before; unbiased, and their opinion of him totally unchanged. 

One was Amanda, the other was Farah. 

And the third was Dirk Gently.

Which, Todd reflected distantly to himself following the incident, may have had a bearing on why his utter astonishment at the idea of a third date, mingled with something almost terrifyingly close to hope, had almost completely eclipsed any lingering shame he felt over their last interaction. 

At least for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're a fan of the angst i keep forcing upon these characters here, go ahead and give my [new fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17893046) a whirl. i stayed late at work to finish it and it's basically all of my favorite tropes piled into one


	7. "all of...this."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk and Todd give things another try, a particularly sensitive nerve is touched, and Todd is offered some (much needed) advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for coming back!!!!  
> we're getting (sort of) near the end of this dumb fic now, and i'm excited to pound the rest of this out and share it with you all! ily all xx thanks for sticking with it!

“Okay,” Dirk murmured to himself, straightening his jacket (forest green; not too hopeful but certainly not mournful) and eyeing himself in the mirror for a long moment before taking a deep breath and exiting his apartment. “You can do this.”

Despite offering himself an endless stream of encouraging babble throughout the course of the morning, and continuing on as he stepped out of his apartment building and began the trek toward Todd’s, Dirk couldn’t quite ignore the uncomfortable shiver of nerves that had taken up residence along the skin at the back of his neck since the idea of a third date had been brought up at all.

They’d agreed on switching things up a bit and meeting at Todd’s apartment this time, now that Dirk knew where it was, after all.

And, in spite of his nerves, Dirk couldn’t help but notice that Todd had sounded increasingly enthusiastic through his text replies as the date had approached, and he’d tentatively allowed himself to acknowledge the hope and enthusiasm that had begun to balloon within his chest at the thought that Todd himself was as willing to give things another shot as he was.

As he exited his apartment building, Dirk eyed the clouds rolling in beyond the Seattle skyline warily, and tugged his jacket a bit tighter around himself with a grimace as he quickened his pace slightly.

They’d decided on meeting the evening after their conversation outside the cafe and, despite his delight that Todd had agreed at all, Dirk was attempting valiantly to ignore the pressing thought at the back of his mind that this might not have been quite enough time for either of them to prepare themselves for the idea of another date.

However, he reminded himself, it had been nearly a week since the previous ( _disastrous_ ) one. Maybe it was better to spur things on quickly, before either of them had the opportunity to overthink things and ruin everything entirely.

And by ‘either of them’, Dirk really meant ‘himself’.

By the time he’d reached Todd’s apartment building, Dirk was nothing short of a bundle of vibrating nerves, thinking and overthinking exactly what might go wrong during the evening ahead--

And what might potentially go right.

Dirk reached into his pocket for his phone to let Todd know that he’d arrived, when the door beside him was thrust open, and Dirk jolted a bit before Todd himself stepped out, his brow slightly furrowed, but a small and somewhat sheepish smile on his face, nonetheless.

“You ready?” he prompted, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his thick winter jacket with a small shrug.

“Ready.” Dirk breathed, unable to shake the warmth that had begun to blossom in his chest as soon as he’d caught sight of the smaller man. “What--What, um--What did you have in mind? If anything, of course. It’s not like you have to have something in mind. I’m content to just mill about together, if you’d rather.” he finished breathlessly, trying valiantly to ignore how his cheeks had already begin to flush as the words had continued to leave him in a rush. 

Todd blinked a bit owlishly, his mouth quirking into a somewhat bewildered half-smile, before he took on a considering expression.

“I think,” he began, jutting his chin out somewhat defiantly and squaring his shoulders. “We could start with a walk.” he nodded at something behind Dirk. “There’s a park. There.”

“Excellent idea, Todd.” Dirk replied, a wide grin beginning to overtake his face as his breath left him in a somewhat relieved _whoosh_. “You’re full of them, really.”

“O-okay.” Todd replied, a small and somewhat pleased smile (if Dirk wasn’t mistaken) worming its way onto his face, before he seemed to catch himself, cleared his throat, and stepped past Dirk toward the direction of the park.

And Dirk, a wide and hopeful grin still plastered across his face, followed along happily.

\---

“Which was when I learned that body-shots were probably not the best idea.” Dirk concluded, nodding a bit finitely when Todd shot him an incredulous look. “Though they were, at the time, incredibly enjoyable.”

Todd released a somewhat startled laugh, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he continued to hold Dirk’s gaze fondly.

Their walk had somehow taken them straight through the park, and subsequently dumped them somewhere downtown along the waterfront. And, to Dirk’s delight, the two of them had drifted once again toward the other’s side, hunching their shoulders to the chill winds that had begun to whip around them.

“You are just,” Todd began past his lingering giggles, his shoulders shaking slightly with the force of them, and shot him another long and considering look. “Nothing like I expect. Every time I think I get you, I--” he flushed a bit and fell silent, his expression still open and almost painfully full of what Dirk might call wonder, were he even fractionally more optimist.

Dirk felt himself grin, and tried not to preen too obviously at the comment. “I could say the same for you.” he shot back with a small smirk, and watched in satisfaction as Todd appeared a little flustered at the words. “You’re not so straight forward, yourself. Rather…” he furrowed his brow a bit, “You’re a sort of...well you’re different. A good different.” he insisted, when Todd’s expression shifted into something speculative.

“Thanks?” Todd replied, after a beat, the small smile creeping up at the corners of his mouth belying the dryness of his tone.

He glanced back down at his sneakers, then, as if contemplating the words, and shivered noticeably in the chill breeze whipping about their figures.

“You alright?” Dirk piped up, before he could stop himself, and cast what he hoped was a subtle glance down to Todd’s the pocket of Todd’s coat nearest to him. “Do you need to sit down? Go somewhere warmer, perhaps?”

The questions, in Dirk’s opinion, were extended innocently enough, but this didn’t stop Todd from frowning slightly in reply.

“I’m fine,” he insisted quickly, the words not necessarily unfriendly, but not leaving any room for argument, either.

Dirk nodded a bit hastily, and turned to face ahead, his gaze lingering on rolling storm clouds reflecting pleasantly off of the choppy waves just off the pier to his left.

A heavy silence had taken up residence between the two of them, suddenly, and Dirk swallowed thickly, frantically wracking his mind for something to say to begin breaking down the thick wall that he could practically see having begun to construct itself there.

“So!” he cried, the word a little startling in its volume, if Todd’s jolt was anything to go by.

“Does the cold...not affect it?”

He wasn’t sure exactly where the question had risen from, but Dirk would be lying blatantly if he denied the intense curiosity that had taken a tight hold of his consciousness ever since his having googled the name of the disease he’d discovered on the label of the abandoned pill bottle.

It had begun as a simple simmering interest that had, with time, boiled into more of a burning curiosity. Dirk was certain that this was not the time to go hunting for more details, and yet--

And yet, he found that he could hardly take the hasty words back, now.

“What?” Todd cried, a little taken aback, if his tone was anything to go by, and eyed Dirk with a somewhat tentatively horrified expression. “Does what--?”

“The disease.” Dirk continued for him, a little staggered at his own insistence, but determined that it was a bit too late to try and cover himself now, nonetheless. “From what I read, it’s stimuli-based. Is that not always the case? Are--”

“It’s a nerve disease.” Todd cut in flatly, his expression somewhat blank and stony, now.

And oh, if Dirk never lived to see that expression again, it would be too soon.

“Yes.” Dirk agreed, swallowing again and suddenly wishing that the ground had swallowed him whole before he’d had a chance to bring the subject up at all. “Well…”

He trailed off, suddenly completely unsure as to how the conversation between them had taken such a deep nosedive.

_Stupid Dirk, always too curious and never sympathetic enough…_

Somewhere, beyond the crest of waves to their left, thunder began to rumble distantly, and Dirk felt his stomach drop sickeningly at the sound of it.

Beside him, Todd was completely silent, his shoulders, having previously been loose and open, were now held stiff with tight tension.

He’d distanced himself noticeably from Dirk’s side, his expression unreadable, his eyes trained unwaveringly ahead as they continued to wander aimlessly.

It seemed that the temperature had dropped slightly, thanks to the new space between them, and Todd shuddered visibly again.

And Dirk, as ever, was unable to stop himself from speaking the next words that sprang to mind.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” he inquired, concern twisting slightly in his gut as he watched Todd continue to tremble. “Because--”

“Enough!” Todd cried then, without warning, and took two sharp strides forward before whirling on his heel to face Dirk head on, his neck craning so that the two were relatively eye to eye.

Dirk halted in his tracks, watching Todd’s increasingly reddening features with something close to distant fascination and abject terror.

“Y’know what? Dirk?” Todd continued, voice almost chillingly clipped. “Maybe we should stop all...this.”

Dirk blinked, slightly taken aback at the blatant exclamation.

He couldn’t have meant…

( _Not when they’d made it this far_ ).

“Stop all…?” Dirk huffed a bit, the fragile and weakly hopeful smile spreading across his face feeling forced and plastic, even now.

“This!” Todd all but screeched, stumbling a step further away and reaching both hands up to tug at his hair ineffectually. “Just...Just _this_! This...It isn’t working out, Dirk. I-I don’t know what I was--” he glanced away, hands slowly falling back to his sides as he blinked a little rapidly.

“What was I thinking?” he all but whispered to himself, the words so small they were nearly swept away on the wind. 

And, despite the continually growing lump in his throat, Dirk found himself shaking his head, as if he were mystified by the words.

“What do you mean, ‘all this’?” he questioned, weakly. “Todd, surely--”

“That’s enough.” Tod’s voice cracked slightly, and his shoulders slumped from their previously angry tension into something like defeat. “I’m--I’m done, Dirk. I’m _tired_ and--that’s enough.”

They stood like that for a long and tense moment, Todd’s miserable and pleading expression continuing to lock with Dirk’s as thunder growled somewhere in the distance again.

“That’s enough.” Todd repeated again, barely a murmur this time, his chest still rising and falling like a panicked creature backed into a corner.

Dirk watched, somewhat (somehow) coolly detached, as a thick droplet of rain planted itself into the nest of Todd’s curls with a _plop_ , followed by another that streaked itself along the delicate freckles scattered across his nose.

In spite of this, Todd stood resolutely, gasping for air in the now steadying downpour for another brief moment, before his heated gaze cooled into something close to horror, and dropped from Dirk’s own, seconds later.

Without another word, Todd drew back, his shoulders hunching and his eyes fluttering skittishly between the cobbled ground below their feet and Dirk himself, before he seemed to make up his mind and, with no more than second’s hesitation, turned hastily and began to stride away.

And, to his own utter astonishment and shame, Dirk watched him go, his now rain soaked hair dripping into his eyes as his own inability to propel himself into following this time made his stomach turn sickeningly.

\---

“You’re dumb.”

Without warning, Todd was struck in the face with a throw pillow, and he sat indignantly from where he’d been previously lounged out across his sofa to shoot Amanda an exasperated look. 

“I’m not!” he cried, uncaring, at this point, how petulant the words sounded.

“You are.” Amanda insisted, turning to offer him with a dry look from where she was sat on the floor, her back pressed up against the side of the sofa and Todd’s bong cradled in her lap. “You’re being so dumb.”

“I don’t think I am.” Todd shook his head slightly with a small frown.

“Todd, you’ve been wallowing for three days.” Amanda pointed out unhelpfully.

“It’s not--”

“That’s dumb.” Amanda interrupted, already leaning back down toward the bong. “You’re dumb.”

“Stop it.” Todd snapped, reaching down to snag the bong before Amanda had even reached it and taking the next hit himself.

“And fucking rude.” Amanda griped, sticking her tongue out briefly and snagging the item back.

Todd snorted, a small smile growing on his face, in spite of himself. “Mature.” he croaked.

“At least one of us is.” Amanda shot back. “I’m not the one hiding out in my apartment just cause his boyfriend made some comment he didn’t like.”

“Hey!” Todd cried, sitting up a bit to prop himself up on the back of the sofa and scowling. “We’re not--It wasn’t--”

“Uh huh.” Amanda replied airily, keeping her gaze fixed pointedly ahead.

Todd held out another few seconds, before he huffed a weary breath and fell limply back against the arm of the sofa.

“It’s not--” he began, struggling briefly for words before admitting, lowly, “It wasn’t just the comment.”

“Okay,” Amanda agreed easily with a shrug. “So it was the way he said it. Or the fact that he saw you have an attack and made you feel vulnerable.”

“Amanda--” Todd cut in, voice a little strangled as the memory constricted his throat.

“Whatever, man.” Amanda continued, as if he hadn’t spoken at all, and took another deep inhale from the bong before leaning back with a sigh. “If you want to throw something that’s made you this happy away, all because you were embarrassed, I can’t stop you. Feel free, Todd.”

“I--” Todd struggled for words, for a moment, the weed and Amanda’s company allowing him to reflect on the past few weeks with less mental resistance than he’d experienced in days.

It hadn’t just been the embarrassment (though in that arena he was hardly lacking). More likely than not, he realized, it had been the build up. The continual growth of hope and warm excitement that had begun to feel comfortable in the small space between his ribs, and had continued to bloom with each interaction between the two of them.

He’d grown to trust Dirk.

The realization hit him like a semi-truck, fast and heavy and all but taking the breath from his lungs entirely.

Somewhere, along their very crooked and confusing line, he’d allowed himself to place his trust in the random man from across the street who’d begun as a simple infatuation.

He’d placed his trust and hope in this random stranger. And he’d been…

_What?_ he wondered distantly, _Let down?_

The words didn’t sit right; didn’t fit into the puzzle the way Todd thought that they would.

It wasn’t Dirk that had let him down, he considered, his chest tightening as he mulled the words over.

Maybe...maybe he’d expected too much, too fast.

Maybe that expectation was what had caused him to let himself down.

“It--It wasn’t just the embarrassment.” Todd finally managed, the words soft and tentative in the growing silence of the apartment.

Beside him, Todd could see Amanda tense slightly, before she turned to raise a brow and shoot him a speculative look.

“It--It wasn’t just that.” Todd continued, when it seemed that Amanda wasn’t going to offer a reply. “I was...Disappointed.”

“In Dirk?” Amanda prodded, not unkindly.

“Ye--No.” Todd stuttered, biting his lip and taking a deep breath before forcing himself to continue, “I think I’m disappointed in myself.”

Amanda paused, before her expression shifted into something almost sympathetic.

“Todd,” she breathed, glancing down and swallowing before continuing, “You can’t have honestly thought that... _something_ wouldn’t have happened. It would have happened eventually.”

“I--I know.” Todd admitted with a quick nod.

“But you’re still disappointed.” Amanda guessed, not incorrectly.

Todd dropped his gaze meekly, shifting so that his knees were drawn up against his chest as he nodded again.

“It--I don’t know what I expected.” he murmured. “I think--I think I thought maybe it’d be...longer? Or that it’d be like--like you or--or Farah.” he grimaced, the words sounding empty, even now.

“Todd!” Amanda cried, so insistently that Todd’s gaze snapped to meet her’s involuntarily. “You can’t be serious.”

Todd blinked and furrowed his brow slightly. “What--”

“I’ve known you my whole life, Todd.” Amanda continued with little preamble. “I have previous experience with the disease. You’re my _brother_.” she continued, pointedly.

“Ye-Yeah, but--”

“Farah had known you for years when you had your first attack.” Amanda interrupted, “She knew you and loved you already, and she’d been told about the disease.”

Todd flushed slightly, glancing away again, knowing exactly where the conversation was going, now, but unwilling to play into it, just yet.

“Todd,” Amanda repeated, her tone softer, now. “This Dirk guy? He hasn’t even known you a full three months. This is _all_ new to him. Newer than it is to you!” she pointed out quickly. “And I’ll bet he’s feeling almost as lost as you did.” she shrugged again. “Give him a chance, dude.”

“I’m not upset with him.” Todd insisted quickly, meeting Amanda’s gaze determinedly and feeling, for once, completely sure-footed in the words.

Amanda blinked. “Okay.” she agreed readily. “So what _are_ you upset at?”

“I--” Todd hesitated, his head swimming slightly as he considered the words. “Nothing! And--and everything.” he groaned, and dropped his head to rub the bridge of his nose wearily with one hand. “Shit.”

Amanda chuckled and reached up to land a punch on his arm. “Sounds like typical Todd, then.”

Todd huffed, before wincing slightly and rubbing his arm. “Yeah…”

From outside, the sound of a (very dated) van revving its engine sounded distantly, and Amanda’s face lit up slightly.

“The boys are here.” she informed, standing with a grunt and dropping the bong unceremoniously into Todd’s lap for him to fumble clumsily.

“You’re still coming to the party tomorrow, right?”

Todd hesitated, biting his lip again and fighting the urge to reject the invitation outright.

“I--I don’t know.” he finally replied with a small grimace, “It--”

“Hey man, I don’t care what you do about the Dirk Deal.” Amanda cut in, already shrugging into her leather jacket. “But you’d better make it to this party. It’s Christmas!”

“It’s January.” Todd chuckled, a little weakly.

“Whatever,” Amanda shot him a small smirk. “We’re making up for lost time. See you there?”

“Yeah,” Todd agreed hesitantly, shaking his head a bit before forcing himself to continue more confidently, “Yeah. Okay.”

Amanda grinned outright, then, and bounced a little before shoving his shoulder fondly.

“Cool, man.” she nodded a bit before striding for the door. “See you then! Love you!”

“Love you too.” Todd echoed, watching her exit the apartment with a small smile etched onto his face.

As soon as the door had shut behind her, however, he collapsed back into the sofa, immediately drawing the bong up to take another (desperately needed) hit.

He had the next day completely off, after all, and it looked like it was shaping up to be a long 24 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, directly after finishing this chapter: i want them to hug. why didn't i just write them hugging. what the hell was i thinking  
> (side note; I've lived these long 24 years wanting to write a romantic "fighting and parting ways in the rain" scene, and now i've finally achieved it. i can die happy)


	8. "i would."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd is faced with an uncomfortable situation, Dirk finds assistance from an unlikely source, and a long-overdue discussion is had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you believe that we're finally here?!?  
> (i cannot. i definitely cannot).
> 
> i wanna thank each and every one of you for encouraging me toward finishing my first (not pre-finished) multi-chapter fic ever. these past few months have been some of the worst and most challenging of my entire life, and each of you have made it easier to get by, and to continue producing content.
> 
>  thank you all so, so very much xx ily

Todd stood, a little unsteadily, and eyed his reflection in the mirror of Amanda’s bathroom with a mixture of distaste and nerves written out clearly across his face.

The tight collar of his normally comforting and thick green flannel felt constricting, somehow, and he shifted a little uncomfortably, willing himself to force a deep and steadying breath past the tight bands that had begun to wrap themselves around his lungs.

Amanda had insisted that he show up early and get ready at her place, and had somehow roped him into helping set the entire party up with her and her rowdy friends, in the process.

From the other side of the thin bathroom door, Todd could just make out the sound of more party guests arriving, and Amanda and her friends greeting them with noisy enthusiasm.

He huffed a small, humorless laugh at the sound. Amanda had always been more socially inclined.

Todd’s phone buzzed on the cool tile counter beside him, and he dropped his gaze hastily, some unnamed emotion still sticking in his throat, and reached out to scoop it up.

_**Farah** : Be there in 5. You doing okay?_

Todd smirked softly down at the message, his chest warming slightly, and tapped out a quick reply.

_**Todd** : haven’t left the bathroom yet. does that count?_

From the other side of the door, another noisy group entered the apartment, and someone cranked the music from Amanda’s speaker set in the corner of the room up loud enough to drown out any conversation quieter than a shout.

With another deep and somewhat tremulous sigh, Todd forced himself to turn toward the door and reach for the handle.

There was, he felt, very little that he could lose at this point, anyway.

“Todd!” Amanda’s band-mate ( _Vogel_ , Todd reminded himself firmly) cried from across the living room as he exited, raising a hand to wave it about wildly. “You made it, man!”

Todd raised a hand in an awkward sort of wave in return, suddenly pointedly aware of the many gazes that had turned in his direction at the cry, and was briefly considering turning and disappearing back into the bathroom entirely when a strong and unrelenting arm wrapped around his shoulders.

“Good to see ya, runt.” Martin, the frontman of Amanda’s band and a no less than terrifyingly intimidating figure, grunted, squeezing Todd’s shoulder in what he must have considered to be a friendly manner.

“Ye-eah.” Todd managed, swallowing a little thickly. “Good to see you, man.” he forced a small smile, and raised a hand to nudge Martin’s arm a little weakly.

“Someone here to see you, I think.” Martin murmured, leaning in close and studying Todd for an uncomfortably long moment before he slapped him on the back (none too gently) and released his grip entirely.

Todd froze, his heart hammering slightly in his chest as the words sunk in.

He _had_ told Dirk about the party, hadn’t he? It wasn’t entirely impossible…

“Todd?” Farah’s voice drifted up from the steadily growing crowd, and she elbowed her way from the entryway to Todd’s side in a matter of seconds.

“Hey, Farah.” Todd breathed, the tension in his shoulders melting into something a bit more relaxed, at the sight of her. “I’m glad you made it.”

“I wouldn’t miss it!” Farah cried, her cheeks dimpling slightly. “It’s not really my scene but...It’s been a while since we’ve attended one of Amanda’s parties.” she teased. “How are you doing?”

“M’fine.” Todd dismissed immediately, shaking his head slightly before forcing a small smile. “I--”

“ _Oh_ , my god!” a voice interrupted him, near enough to make both Todd and Farah startle slightly at the volume, and seconds later a figure materialized at Farah’s side. “Holy shit. Farah Black!?”

“Tina?” Farah cried incredulously, turning to face their new company with a somewhat wonderstruck expression. “Tina Tevetino? How--how on _earth_?”

Tina, for her part, offered a broad grin and bounced a little excitedly. “I can’t believe you’re here, dude!”

“I--” Farah sputtered, and Todd knew her well enough to note just how completely flustered she was. “How do you know Amanda?” she called over the music.

“Dude!” Tina replied, “I’ve been following her band for months! Turns out they’re pretty chill about their groupies.” she shrugged. “I’ve been chilling at pretty much all of their parties, recently. Hey, Todd Brotzman!” she suddenly cried, surging forward to grip at both Todd’s shoulders tightly. “Missed you, man! Miss the Funeral, to be honest.”

Todd chuckled a little tightly, feeling himself flush a bit at the words.

“Yeah it’s--it’s been a while.” he finally forced out.

Tina cocked a brow, and eyed him closely for another long moment before she (blessedly) released her gip and turned back to face Farah.

“So, how’s the coffee biz treating you? You bored yet?”

Farah grinned, her eyes sparkling a bit as she replied with a long, run-on sentence that Todd couldn’t fully keep up with, at that point.

“I--I’m gonna grab a drink.” he murmured, barely registering Farah’s replying nod before he slipped away, his shoulders tightening and he shuffled through the now crowded hall toward the kitchen, willing his breaths to remain deep and even.

Almost subconsciously, he reached a hand down to pat at the pocket of his jeans, reassuring himself that the pill bottle he’d placed there earlier that evening was still within easy reach.

The kitchen itself was already swarmed with guests, when he arrived, and Amanda was nowhere to be seen.

Todd forced himself to ignore the slight disappointment he felt tightening his stomach at the realization, and hastened to snag a cold beer from the cooler on the counter, his hands fumbling slightly as he attempted to reach for the bottle opener beside it.

The world seemed to narrow, then. With a small gasp for breath, Todd cracked the beer open and took a long sip, his eyes already darting about the room in search of an easy exit--

 _There_.

Todd blinked slightly, eyeing the open window (he knew from previous experience let out onto Amanda’s fire escape) hesitantly for a long moment.

From somewhere in the living room, the sound of something hitting the floor and shattering could just be made out, followed by a chorus of cheering and whooping.

The crowd in the kitchen roared, and Todd was jostled slightly as the individuals behind him surged forward to catch a glimpse of what had happened.

He made up his mind, then.

Without another thought, Todd crossed the room and made a beeline toward his goal, pausing briefly to take a deep inhale of the crisp winter wind trickling in through the open window before he heaved himself up onto the table just beneath and, seemingly avoiding anyone’s scrutiny, slipped out into the cool evening air beyond.

\---

“You gonna go?”

“Where?” Dirk murmured, pouting a bit as he packaged another corsage with a bit more force than was probably necessary.

“Where?” Hobbs repeated incredulously. “The party? The one you’ve been mooning about for days, now.”

“Yes, well.” Dirk snorted, very little humor behind the sound, and kept his eyes downcast. “The ‘mooning’ was rather short lived, I’m afraid.”

“Now,” Hobbs returned, after a beat of somewhat stunned silence, and crossed the room from where he was constructing a somewhat haphazard floral centerpiece to place a gentle arm on Dirk’s shoulder. “That doesn’t sound like the Dirk I know.”

Dirk hesitated, his shoulders tensing slightly, before he released a long and somewhat exhausted breath.

“I--I don’t know, Hobbs.” he finally admitted, straightening and turning to face the man’s inquiring gaze head on. “I’m rather out of options, at present.”

“Ah,” Hobbs cleared his throat and tightened his hold on Dirk’s shoulder briefly, before he released it entirely. “You--you said somethin’ weird happened?”

Dirk released a small groan, and ran a weary hand over his face. “It wasn’t even that.” he managed at last, the words small and somewhat uncertain.

“Really?” Hobbs blinked and furrowed his brow. “You mean that the Weird Thing, whatever ‘it’ was,” he raised a brow pointedly, as if somewhat miffed that he’d been left out of the loop. “Isn’t what’s causing your belly-aching now?”

“I don’t--” Dirk frowned, and swallowed past his suddenly thick throat in the face of Hobbs’ scrutiny. “I don’t really want to reevaluate it, if I’m honest.”

“Right,” Hobbs nodded slowly, appearing to dramatically mull the words over for a long moment. “So you’re not goin’?” he continued, at length, the slight frown crossing his features conveying his displeasure at the fact more than the words ever could.

“I--” Dirk paused, allowing himself a moment to consider the inquiry in its entirety.

In truth, their last separation had been enough of a dismissal in itself.

At face value, Dirk would naturally assume that Todd had had enough of him, and would be happiest if they were each to go their own separate ways after the interaction.

And yet…

And yet, yes, there it was; that small glimmer of hope lingering just behind the heavy doubt at the forefront of his consciousness, refusing to be knocked completely out of the picture, even now.

_Maybe…_

“I--I don’t know.” Dirk admitted, finally, his shoulders sagging slightly. “I’m not even sure that he wants to ever see me again. He...” he trailed off, swallowing slightly as the words caught up with him.

When it seemed that Hobbs wasn’t going to reply beyond a somewhat pained and sympathetic expression, Dirk opened his mouth to continue--

Only for the front door to the shop burst open, a cool gust of winter air billowing in as it did so. 

The two whirled quickly to face the intruder head on, wearing mirrored expressions of abject terror.

“Hobbs!” a voice cried from the doorway, elated and somewhat slurred, “Is that you, buddy?!”

“Tina?!” Hobbs and Dirk chorused, their mouths falling open in unison.

“Dirk Gently!” Tina crowed delightedly, striding forward to throw her arms tightly around Hobbs’ shoulders before turning to punch (none to softly) at Dirk’s shoulder. “My replacement! It’s been forever, man!”

“It--It really has.” Dirk croaked, reaching up to rub at his arm with a weak grin. “How’s...Um, Montana?”

“Ugh,” Tina rolled her eyes with a bemused smile. “Boring as all shit. But fun! A fun kinda boring, you know?” she leaned in closer and winked in what Dirk assumed she thought was a conspiratorial manner. “Got great weed there, though.”

“Uh--”

“Tina!” Hobbs interrupted, grinning outright now as he gripped Tina’s shoulder tightly. “What, uh--What are you doin’ here?”

“Ah, you know me, man!” she bounced a little, shooting an excited look between Dirk and Hobbs before continuing, “So there’s this group I’ve been following. Little indie Seattle band. Rowdy 3.”

“Rowdy--” Dirk began, the words sparking something oddly familiar in the back of his mind.

“Right.” Tina nodded seriously. “Anyway, I’ve been following them for like, two months now--”

“I thought you said you were working.” Hobbs cut in, frowning in what he probably thought was a stern manner.

“Been doing that too!” Tina waved dismissively. “Lots of that! Anyway, so I’ve been following these guys, and I soooort of became friends with their lead guitarist and the drummer, neither of which are terrible to look at.” she winked again. “Anyway, so Amanda invites me--”

“Amanda!” Dirk interrupted, his heart stuttering slightly as the realization hit him like a sack of bricks. “ _Amanda_ , Amanda?” he inquired, leaning forward to grip at Tina’s arms and peg her with a serious expression. “Like, Amanda Brotzman, Amanda?”

“I guess so?” Tina shrugged slightly, looking slightly bewildered. “Like, Amanda ‘drummer from the Rowdy 3’, Amanda. Amanda ‘having a party in Seattle tonight’, Amanda. I don’t--” she trailed off, then, her eyes widening in sudden realization. “Wait a second. You mean like Brotzman? As in _Todd_ Brotzman?!” she cried, “Like, ‘Mexican Funeral, works at the coffee shop across the street’, Todd Brotzman?”

“If what I’m thinking is correct,” Dirk replied, immediately, “Then that’s exactly what I mean.”

“Holy _shit_ , dude!” Tina shrieked, “I totally see it!”

“Wait, now.” Hobbs interrupted, taking a step forward to place himself in between Tina’s bouncing and Dirk’s increasingly eager grin. “What do you--How--Who’s this Amanda, for starters?”

“Todd’s sister.” Dirk filled in, quickly, the puzzle pieces in his mind already beginning to fall into place.

“Wait.” Hobbs repeated, turning to face Dirk with apprehension dawning on his face. “You mean to tell me that Todd’s sister is the one who’s just happening to have a party here tonight? That Tina’s just happening to attend?”

“It would appear so.” Dirk replied, somewhat breathlessly, unable to stop the grin on his face from expanding slightly.

“Wait a second.” Tina cut in, her gaze snapping from Hobbs to Dirk and back again. “You and Todd Brotzman...you know each other.” she pointed a somewhat accusing finger at Dirk.

“You could say that.” Dirk confirmed with a swift nod.

“Oh my god.” Tina murmured, her eyes widening slightly as her mouth dropped open. “Oh my god. You’ve totally got the hots for each other, dude!”

“You--” Dirk attempted to cry over her triumphant shrieking, and found that he ultimately failed.

“They really do.” Hobbs chuckled, crossing his arms and shooting Dirk a somewhat amused expression.

“Oh my god.” Tina repeated, calming enough to offer Dirk a somewhat wildly inquisitive gaze. “I can totally see it. I can totally hook you up, dude!” she leaned back and ran a casual hand through her hair, then. “Amanda and I are kiiiind of tight.”

Dirk blinked, a plan beginning to formulate in his mind before he could fully register what was happening.

“Tina,” he murmured, his eyes widening as the bucket of information that had just been dropped into his lap began to whir frantically within his mind. “I might actually need your help…”

And, to his delight, Tina’s fiery and determined gaze caught a glint of understanding, and met his head on.

“I’m reading your mail, buddy.”

\---

Almost as soon as Dirk had entered the entrance to the hallway, it was incredibly easy to tell which apartment was Amanda’s.

He strode hesitantly forward until he was facing one of the doors at the end of the hall, the music from the other side of the door pulsing the heady thrum of of some electronic beat and nearly quaking the floor beneath Dirk’s feet, causing him to hesitate where he was stood, his hand held suspended in mid-knock.

From inside, someone let out a joyful _whoop_ , followed by a crashing noise and the sound of cheering rising in response.

Even from outside in the hallway, Dirk could just make out the sharp and somewhat dizzying scent of weed leaking through the patchy wood of the apartment door.

It sounded loud. Loud and smelly and crowded and nothing at all like Dirk felt like attending, at present.

And certainly not like something that he assumed Todd would ever agree to, given his current…

Well, current state.

Dirk let his hand fall back to his side and shuffled awkwardly before pulling his phone out of the pocket of his trousers.

He peered hastily about (unwilling to be caught hovering just outside the door, lest he left a terrible impression on Todd’s sister, already) before typing out a quick message.

_**Dirk** : are you here?_

He collapsed back against the far wall, then, heaving out a small sigh and gnawing at his lip anxiously.

He didn’t have to wait long for a reply. Seconds later, his phone lit up, and Dirk hastily raised it again to read the text.

_**Tina T** : the eagle has landed_

In spite of his own racing heart, Dirk scoffed a little at the message.

_**Dirk** : By “eagle” do you mean yourself or Todd?_

He hesitated, briefly and distantly wondering if this were such a good idea after all, before he shook himself and hit send.

Not a minute later, he received his reply.

_**Tina T** : i’m the eagle and imma have to let u go. Todd’s here somewhere_

Dirk swallowed thickly, his hands trembling a bit as he reread the message, before he flicked back a bit in his phone to uncover one of the last messages he’d received from Todd himself.

 _6 o’clock_. it read, followed by Amanda’s address and apartment number.

Dirk glanced warily back up at the number on the door, and bit the inside of his cheek as he pondered his position.

For all intents and purposes, he should have rightly given up the evening following Todd’s dismissal.

He’d had his chance, and put what he considered to be plenty of effort in, in spite of having remained just as confused and unsure of everything as when he had started--possibly even more so.

By all rights, he should have been happy to simply take the memories he’d won and move on, already.

And yet...Dirk couldn’t deny that faint flicker of hope he could still feel, pulsing just below his veins with each beating moment that had followed.

And there it was even now, stood outside Amanda’s apartment door and ready to hammer the final nail in the proverbial coffin of his and Todd’s relationship.

Whatever that might be.

Before he even had a chance to raise his hand again to knock, however, the new surge of confidence running healthily through his system, the door before Dirk swung open, and Amanda herself stood on the other side, giggling a little breathlessly at someone behind her before she turned to face Dirk.

The grin on her face fell slightly, then, and Dirk hardly had a chance to wince apologetically (he hadn’t even truly considered what Amanda’s reception of him might be) before her eyes widened almost comically, her mouth dropping open a bit.

“Holy shit.” she murmured, then cried again, much louder now, “Holy _shit_! It’s you!”

“It’s me.” Dirk replied immediately, shuffling slightly and willing himself not to bring both hands up to tug nervously at his tie. “I’m--I don’t think we ever got the chance to properly meet. I mean--we’ve met, obviously. I’ve seen you and...I’m Dirk. Dirk Gently.” he extended a hand weakly forward, for want of anything better to do.

Amanda snorted, and raised her brow slightly. “Dude, I know.” she replied, at length, folding her arms and leaning against the doorway. “I’d guess you’re here to see Todd?”

“That’d be ideal, yes.” Dirk answered, letting his hand drop somewhat lamely back to his side. “I mean--If that’s--if you don’t--”

“Don’t let me stop you.” Amanda raised her hands slightly. “Though I’m not sure why you’d want to.” she stuffed her hands lazily back into the pockets of her worn looking leather jacket and rolled her eyes somewhat fondly. “He’s kind of a weird person.”

Dirk opened his mouth to reply, unsure of whether or not he should have been indignant on Todd’s behalf, only for Amanda to narrow her eyes and scrutinize him for so long that whatever words he’d been planning on all but dried in his throat.

“Then again,” Amanda finally continued, still studying him thoughtfully. “You seem like kind of a weird person, too.”

There was a beat, before Amanda’s face widened into a delighted sort of smile. “I can see it now.” she muttered, so low Dirk had to strain to hear her.

“Um--” Dirk began, unable to stop himself from glancing pointedly over Amanda’s shoulder and toward the crowd inside the apartment, his heart sinking slightly when he didn’t catch sight of Todd straight off.

Maybe, he reflected with an internal wince, relying so wholly on a probably already-intoxicated Tina Tevetino for information hadn’t been his best move.

“Todd’s here somewhere.” Amanda interrupted his musings, and jerked her head back to indicate the party behind. “Probably out on the fire escape.”

“I beg your pardon?” Dirk blinked, unsure of what to make of the statement.

“Yeah,” Amanda returned, before Dirk could consider the information too closely. “He sneaks out there at almost every one these things. I think he thinks that no one can see him struggling to lift himself out of the window.” she snorted slightly, though not unkindly, and her eyes dropped in a sort of cloudy reflection. “He’s dumb.”

Dirk paused, mulling the facts over in his mind as his gaze turned to rest on the window Amanda must have been referring to. 

The items on the table beneath were scattered slightly to the wayside, as if someone had, indeed, just ventured outside of it.

From where he was stood, Dirk could just barely make out the shadow of what very well may have been a figure sat outside in the darkening evening air, just beyond the rest of the party’s line of sight.

At the sight, Dirk registered a not-unfamiliar nagging sensation at the pit of his stomach, tugging him toward following the half constructed plan he could feel already beginning to work itself into existence at the back of his mind.

He turned slightly, all but ready to race back down the hallway, when he hastily remembered Amanda, still stood in the doorway with an expectant expression on her face.

“Thank you, Amanda.” Dirk hastened to tack on, surging forward to place both hands on her elbows and grinning widely, now.

“Okay.” Amanda blinked and leaned back slightly. “For what?”

But Dirk had already turned away, and was making to hurry back down the hallway and out of the building entirely.

“Nice to meet you!” he offered quickly.

“You too?” Amanda replied, shaking her head a bit before calling, “Cool jacket!”

Dirk offered one last grin over his shoulder, before rounding the corner and disappearing entirely his heart hammering and something almost breathtakingly close to hope tightening within his chest.

\---

From back inside the abandoned living room, a raucous laughter rang out, followed by what was unmistakably the sound of a human body hitting the wall that Todd currently had his back pressed up against with a solid _thump_.

Todd fought not to roll his eyes in irritation, and instead took another long drink of the beer still cradled between his hands.

He’d been the one to make the decision to come out here, anyway; he could hardly begrudge those left inside for continuing to enjoy themselves.

That was to say, it wasn’t as if he didn’t have to make a specific effort to avoid doing just that.

A sharp wind blew up against the landing, then, and Todd drew his knees closer to his chest, wrapping his flannel a bit tighter around himself to ward off the impending chill.

 _You chose to leave_ , he reminded himself sternly, forcing another swallow of beer past his suddenly tight throat. _Just like you choose to leave everything._

The thought had arisen unbidden, and Todd blinked at the force of the emotions he could feel welling up behind it.

But it was true, wasn’t it? Left on his own, he would have chosen to decline the invitation to the party entirely, after all. Instead choosing to steep in his sick and shallow misery within the confines of his tiny apartment, were he left to his own devices. 

And wasn’t that just absolutely typical?

He’d chosen to leave Seattle in the first place, hadn’t he? Chosen to follow some stupid fantasy, then chosen to leave that and cower back home with his tail between his legs when it wasn’t everything that he’d idealized.

He’d chosen to abandon his music, as if it were something tainted and to be feared, even now.

Without Farah’s guidance, he would have chosen to leave his job entirely, after his having contracted the disease; left alone to rot in his apartment and wallow in his fear and pain and confusion.

Without Dirk making the first move, Todd would have chosen to give up the ghost entirely, as far as the two of them went.

Had it been left up to Todd, nothing would have even happened at all.

And now, Todd realized, his hands beginning to tremble slightly as the fact truly began to set in--

Now he’d made what was arguably the most disastrous decision out of them all, and chosen to abandon what was arguably one of the best things that had happened to him in a long time; all because of his fear and shame and his horrific, _sickening_ selfishness.

He was a monster, Todd registered, and his stomach rolled as leaned forward to grip tightly at his hair with his one free hand.

He’d fucked it up. This was his fault.

“Stupid, stupid, _stupid…_ ” he muttered beneath his breath, tugging at his hair with each exclamation. 

He straightened suddenly, then, a fierce anger beginning to well within his chest as the reality of the whirlwind the past few weeks had been truly began to settle in.

“Fuck!” he cried, allowing himself the empty satisfaction of lashing out and extending a leg to land a swift kick to the fire escape ladder adjacent to him, the old metal rattling forcefully at the impact.

“ _Shit_ ,” he whispered, deflating suddenly and dropping his head back to rest on his knees. “What have I done?”

“Before you do that again,” a voice floated up from below Todd’s perch, suddenly, startling him into jolting tensely back upright. “You should know that I am down here, and that I’m more likely than not liable to fall at any given time.”

“Dirk,” Todd breathed, a wild hope beginning to swell within his chest before he could stop it, and surged forward so that he was perched at the edge of the fire escape, peering down to where Dirk was, indeed, clinging to the aging ladder for dear life.

“Dirk!” Todd cried again, louder, hastily scooting back when Dirk had finally reached him and watching with wide eyes as he heaved himself up onto the landing. “What the hell?”

“Do you--” Dirk paused, and gulped another long breath before continuing, “Do you greet all your surprise visitors like that? Seems like a weird thing to do but then,” he grinned widely, and Todd felt his heart seize slightly at the sight of it. “You are sort of an odd person, after all.”

“I--” Todd opened his mouth and huffed a little, unable to stop the small grin from spreading across his own face. “What--what are you doing here? I--I mean, not that I don’t want you to be, it’s just--”

“Look,” Dirk interrupted, his face having taken on a somewhat more contrite and thoughtful expression. “I really am very sorry about what happened.”

“No!” Todd yelped, already shaking his head vehemently. “No, Dirk. You don’t have to be sorry.”

“I pushed you.” Dirk insisted. “I made you uncomfortable and I should have seen it. I--” he paused and heaved a soft sigh, glancing briefly away before meeting Todd’s eyes again meekly. “I’m a rather curious person, you’ll come to find out, but I’m not always the most….tactful, I suppose is how you’d put it.”

“Dirk,” Todd breathed, feeling a little unsteady, suddenly. “You--I’m the one who should be sorry. I _am_ sorry.” he corrected himself, shaking his head slightly.

“What on earth have you got to be sorry for?” Dirk replied, somewhat incredulously.

“I shouldn’t have gotten defensive.” Todd replied, immediately, the words beginning to spill out of him unbidden, once he’d gotten started. “I--I was embarrassed and--and I overreacted and it was stupid!” he huffed a small, slightly wild laugh. “I’m stupid and I’m sorry.”

Just barely resisting the urge to bury his face in his hands and avoid Dirk’s earnest gaze for the foreseeable future, Todd forced himself to add, “I’m sorry for everything.”

“There--” Dirk hesitated, his forehead scrunching (this in itself almost ridiculously endearing) before he continued, “You know, there are almost certainly some things in the grand ‘everything’ that you just apologized for that you certainly shouldn’t be sorry about.”

Todd frowned, but willed himself to remain silent in the face of the argument.

“But alright.” Dirk finally agreed, nodding hesitantly. “I’ll accept it.”

Todd blinked, slightly taken aback at the quick agreement. “You--” he blinked again. “That’s it?”

“Well I’m not quite sure what else you want.” Dirk teased, that familiar and mischievous glint back in his eyes, now. He sobered slightly, however, after a moment. “There are certainly some things that we could both stand to learn, after all.”

“Are you--” Todd swallowed, willing himself to ignore the nervous tightening of his chest and continue, “Are you saying that there might be...more chances for that?”

Dirk seemed to freeze, his shoulders hunching slightly in the face of such a blatant question.

(And Todd could hardly blame him, his own pulse was thrumming at a maddening pace).

“I--” Dirk blinked his now owlishly wide eyes multiple times. “I would--I would quite like that, yes. If, that is in fact, something that you’d be interested in.”

“I--” Todd paused and frowned, his throat constricting slightly as he allowed his gaze to fall away, for a moment. 

“I--I can’t promise that I’m gonna be...good at things.” he admitted, after a long moment, willing himself to ignore the violent trembling of his hands as the words continued to pour out, now. “Talking about things, I mean. This--this is all...I’m still learning.” he finally admitted with a soft exhale. 

And, he found with a small sense of wonder, meeting Dirk’s steady gaze after the admission wasn’t nearly as difficult as he would have expected. 

“It’s--” Dirk began, and swallowed before visibly steeling himself to continue, “It’s all still new to you, isn’t it?” 

Todd huffed a small and nearly humorless laugh, his gaze dropping to his lap. 

“Yeah,” he finally admitted, before forcing himself to meet Dirk’s eyes again, unwilling to back down, now. “It’s...only been a couple months and--Listen, Dirk. I’m sorry that--” 

“Don’t.” Dirk interjected, and reached a hand out to place it tentatively over Todd’s own that lay, still trembling and tightly wound together in his lap. “Don’t apologize.”

A brief silence hung between them, then, their gazes remaining locked for a long and wired moment.

“I would,” Todd murmured, finally, distantly astounded at how easy the admission was to share.

“What?” Dirk breathed, his low-lidded gaze dropping unsubtly down to Todd’s mouth, before he seemed to reel himself back in and force himself to meet Todd’s gaze, again. 

“I’d--I would be willing to try again.” Todd offered with a small smirk, his gaze dropping briefly. “I mean--If--If you’d--”

Immediately, Dirk’s mouth widened into a sunny grin, and it seemed that he shared the sentiment, if his somewhat tremulous expression was anything to go by.

From inside the apartment, the sound of laughter broke out, followed by the music being turned up a couple of notches.

Despite this, Todd and Dirk’s somewhat astonished gazes never wavered from each other’s.

“Well, then.” Dirk finally spoke, words somewhat shaky and unsure. “I--” he broke off, a sort of wondrous expression overtaking his face.

“Todd,” Dirk began again, after a moment, “I would very much like to kiss you right now.”

“I could live with that.” Todd heard more than registered himself croaking immediately, and found that he was already leaning forward when Dirk swept closer and captured Todd’s lips beneath his own.

Todd whimpered breathlessly at the contact, his mind whiting out a bit as he felt Dirk’s hand automatically reach up to tangle in the hair at the back of his head.

And _oh_ , if that wasn’t something that he could easily get addicted to. 

They broke breathlessly apart moments later, and Todd wilted slightly to rest his forehead against Dirk’s own, his breathless pants ghosting over Dirk’s wet and parted lips.

“That,” Dirk began, his warm and tantalizing breath warming Todd’s own lips as he spoke. “Was well worth the climb up that horrible, rusty ladder.”

A laugh bubbled out of Todd, then, before he could stop it, and he collapsed breathlessly against Dirk’s form as he continued to giggle helplessly.

And, without missing a beat, Dirk caught him, almost automatically leaning down to rest his head against the top of Todd’s own.

Todd turned his face to bury it into Dirk’s collar, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing in deeply for a brief moment.

“Missed you,” Dirk hummed, tightening his hold slightly.

“Yeah,” Todd breathed, blinking his suddenly stinging eyes rapidly before burrowing closer. “You too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to write 20k of them just hugging and snuggling and communicating 
> 
>  (just a small epilogue to go, now!! thank you all so very much, again. you're the real MVPs xxx)


	9. epilogue ("i know.")

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> itty bitty epilogue featuring our favorite disaster gays, a double date, and no small amount of shameless fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S CELEBRATING THEIR FIRST DAY OFF AFTER 24 DAYS OF WORK STRAIGHT (hint: it's me and i'm v excited to share this with you all xx)

_3 Months Later…_

“That was ridiculous.” Todd complained loudly as he and Dirk stumbled through the doorway to Farah’s apartment, one hand already rising to tug at the already loosened bow tie at his collar. “This is ridiculous. We’re never doing that again.”

“Don’t be spoiled.” Dirk chided, he himself already collapsing to rest vertically across Farah’s sofa, and let his head fall back onto the armrest with a soft sigh. “Just because it’s not your thing doesn't mean other people aren’t having fun.”

“I can almost guarantee that Farah didn’t have fun, either.” Todd griped, wandering over so that he was stood beside the sofa, his weary gaze resting on Dirk’s sprawled out form.

“Didn’t what?” Farah chimed in from where she was entering the apartment, holding the door open for her companion and turning to cast a curious look in Todd’s direction.

“Todd thinks that you don’t enjoy our monthly double-dates.” Dirk answered for the smaller man, offering a small smirk in the face of Todd’s indignant expression. “He’s trying to project his misery onto everyone else. Don’t fall for it.”

“I’m not!” Todd argued, crossing his arms and huffing dramatically.

“Todd’s right.” Tina called as soon as she entered the apartment, and immediately began moving toward the kitchen. “Farah’s just more subtle about it.”

“Wha--” Farah opened her mouth and pulled what Dirk assumed she thought must be a surprised expression. “I--I’m perfectly...okay with our double--our...get togethers.”

She seemed to wilt slightly, however, in the face of Tina’s pointedly raised brow.

“They’re just very...formal.” Farah finally admitted with a small wince. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that!” this was cast in Dirk’s direction, as he more often than not chose the restaurants the four met at for their (at least) once-monthly outings.

“Something I know for a fact that Todd hates.” Farah tacked on, raising one finger pointedly.

“I think we’ve established that.” Dirk conceded with a small nod.

“Hey!” Todd cried, “When did this suddenly become about me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Isn’t that what you wanted?” Dirk quipped immediately, blinking innocently when faced with Todd’s outraged expression.

“I--There--” Todd huffed and rolled his eyes. “Asshole.” he finally recovered himself enough to scoff, before raising a foot to nudge gently at Dirk’s hip. “Move over, there’s no room.”

“There’s plenty of room.” Dirk chirped, and offered Todd a sunny smile. “Be creative.”

Months ago, Todd would have flushed at the words, before murmuring some timid excuse and hastening to hide in the kitchen or bathroom.

Now, however, he rolled his eyes again with an exaggerated sigh before unceremoniously crawling onto the sofa and directly into Dirk’s lap.

“You’re too bony to keep pulling this.” Todd grumbled, though he was already nestling his head comfortably onto Dirk’s shoulder.

“Seems like a personal problem.” Dirk dismissed airily, one hand automatically rising to rub lightly at Todd’s back while the other fiddled at the crooked tie still around his neck. “You look so good in formal wear, though.” he pouted.

“Listen,” Tina called as she rounded the kitchen counter, two open beer bottles clutched in each hand. “The man’s got a point.” she approached Farah candidly until the two were stood just a few inches apart and murmured, “The formalwear is a good look.”

Farah flushed slightly, and raised one hand to fidget with the hem at the edge of her black jacket.

“It’s uncomfortable.” Todd insisted, reaching up to bat Dirk’s hand weakly away and successfully undoing his own tie, this time. “And the restaurants are way quiet and awkward. Not really our scene.” he added, glancing briefly up to survey everyone in the room with a small and unapologetic shrug.

“Wait.” Farah cut in, accepting one of Tina’s proffered beers and raising a speculative brow. “You and Dirk have always coordinated the restaurants. Are you guys...do you choose the formal ones intentionally? Just for the sake of the formal wear?”

Dirk stiffened, and he knew that Todd could feel the flush crawling up along his neck.

“Wait, really?” Todd murmured incredulously, though it seemed he couldn’t be bothered to raise his head and muster an expression to accompany the tone. “That’s the deal? Seriously?”

“It...might have, initially, had a small part to play in the overall decision-making process.” Dirk offered nonchalantly.

“Since day one!” Tina chimed cheerfully in over her shoulder, clearly much more comfortable with having been so easily found out than Dirk was currently feeling.

“Okay, new rule, Todd and I are choosing the restaurant next time.” Farah declared.

Her eyes dropped into something a little more heavy-lidded, however, when Tina took another small step closer, and whispered what Dirk could just make out to be something along the lines of, “...you’re fun to dress up, though.”

“Gross.” Todd muttered, low enough that only Dirk could hear it, and Dirk chuckled heartily at what he could see of the sour look on his face.

“I don’t think we have any room to talk, love.” he murmured, smirking in satisfaction as he watched the instant flush that began to crawl up Todd’s neck at the slipped term of endearment.

Good to know that that particular reaction didn’t wear off easily, then.

“Whatever.” Todd huffed, and reached out to tangle his fingers with those of Dirk’s free hand, a particularly pleased and tiny smile on his face.

“That being said!” Tina cried, suddenly, moving forward to place the last two beers on the coffee table as she collapsed onto Farah’s armchair, grinning broadly when Farah immediately perched herself to sit on the carpet at her feet. “I’m pretty much down for whatever, next time, as long as it has a bar.”

Farah rolled her eyes, but it was hard to miss the blatant fondness coloring her expression as she did so.

“Or we could just stay in.” Todd suggested, stifling a yawn behind the back of his hand.

Dirk didn’t miss the way Farah’s expression shifted slightly at the words, nor could he deny the slight jolt of fear that his heart had given as they had been spoken.

It was a slip, something he was almost entirely certain that Todd wasn’t even aware that he had done, but a concerning implication, nonetheless.

They were working on it, Dirk would concede. Todd’s tendency to self-isolate was a large enough dragon to slay; this obviously taking into account his near daily struggle to force himself into outside scenarios that he thought might undermine his carefully constructed and firm mental idea of what his routine and schedule should be.

But they were working on it, and Dirk could already see in Todd the world of good it was doing him.

Rather than draw direct attention to the words now, however (he knew from experience how _that_ particular road ended), Dirk offered Todd a small and placating smile and opened his mouth to counter the suggestion (already frantically sorting through a mental list of potential arguments), only to be interrupted by Tina.

“Aw, come on man!” she cried, gesturing so forcefully that Farah had to duck slightly in order to avoid being struck in the temple by the beer bottle in her hand. “Where’s the fun in that? I wanna go _out_!”

Dirk blinked, somewhat taken aback by the outburst, only to be met with a small and pointed look from Tina herself, its existence so brief he almost missed it.

Sometimes, Dirk considered, he didn’t give Tina Tevetino enough credit. Surely she and Farah had talked and, what was more, she was actually usually quite observant of and attuned to the the emotions of those around her.

Particularly where Farah was concerned. 

Todd grumbled slightly, drawing Dirk roughly from his thoughts, and shifted so that he was facing Farah and Tina, now, his head still pillowed on Dirk’s shoulder.

“Fine,” he agreed with what Dirk knew was forced irritability coloring his tone.”But I’m with Farah. We get to choose the place next time.”

“I’m thinking pool.” Farah added immediately, nodding agreeably.

“And beer.” Todd tacked on. “Good beer.”

“Demanding.” Dirk muttered, unable to ignore the small flutter within his chest as Todd chuckled against him.

“Whatever you say, Theodore.” Tina proclaimed, raising her already half-finished beer in a sort of toast before collapsing more comfortably against the back of the armchair, one leg stretching out to hook comfortably around Farah’s shoulder.

The shift in the air after the declaration was immediate and palpable.

Farah’s eyes went wide, her mouth dropping open into a surprised gape, and she turned sharply to survey Tina for a long and silent moment, before her gaze flickered unsteadily to Todd.

Todd, who had gone stiff again against Dirk’s side, his eyes wide and startled, even from Dirk’s angle.

Dirk, for his part, simply furrowed his brow in confusion. What--

It was hard to tell who spoke first. Farah emitted a sort of pained sounding, “Oh no,”, which was immediately drowned out by Todd’s incredulous cry of, “How? _How_?!”

“Whoa, man.” Tina raised both arms defensively, both brows climbing high on her forehead. “Calm down.”

“Where--No, why--how--” Todd sat rimrod straight, then, his head rising from Dirk’s shoulder as he pegged Tina was an incredulous expression.

His cheeks, Dirk noted distantly, had flushed to a quite spectacular maroon sort of color as he continued to sputter.

“If I may be so bold as to intervene here,” Dirk interrupted, sitting up fully and knitting his hands together between his knees, his entire being already cold and bereft at the lack of contact between himself and Todd, now. “I would rather like to know what everyone’s so worked up over.”

“I--” Farah began, opening her mouth to explain before letting it slide closed again as she cast Todd a tentative look. “Todd?”

“I--It--” Todd sighed softly, his shoulders hunching slightly as he took on a somewhat resigned expression. “It’s my name.” he finally admitted lowly, turning to offer Dirk a somewhat humorless smirk.

“It--Wait,” Dirk blinked, frowning slightly as the words slowly began to register. “You’re Todd.” he finally managed, well aware of how stupid he sounded almost as soon as the words had left him.

“Yeah, well.” Todd huffed a small laugh, his eyes dropping to study his knees with a slightly vacant stare. “I am, but…”

He trailed off, his brow furrowing slightly as he seemed to mull something over silently.

“And you...don’t like it?” Dirk finally ventured, if for nothing but to break the heavy silence that had settled over the room.

“I don’t mind it.” Todd replied immediately, a bit of warmth flooding back into his eyes as he turned to offer Dirk a small and somewhat sheepish smile. “It’s just...sort of stupid, right?”

The words were self-deprecating and slightly fragile, a trait that Dirk had become somewhat familiar with, but was no more comfortable with now than he had been after first becoming acquainted with Todd Brotzman.

“I suppose it is rather silly,” Dirk agreed with a small shrug, feigning ignorance in the face of Todd’s scrunched and somewhat shocked expression. “But aren’t all names? I mean,” here he turned and grinned widely. I am ‘Dirk Gently’, after all.”

Todd’s smile grew a bit into something slightly more genuine, and Dirk held his gaze happily-- Before his curiosity got the better of him, of course, and he had to open his mouth.

“Why ‘Theodore’ though, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Blessedly, Todd didn’t seem perturbed by the inquiry, and shrugged loosely. “Don’t know.” he finally replied, a small and wistful smile playing over his face, now. “I think, when I chose it, I thought it made me sound sort of...punk, I guess? Like Roger Waters or some shit.” he chuckled a bit.

“I’ve no idea who that is, but I can assure you that it sounds _very_ punk.” Dirk nodded sagely, his chest warming at the giggle that burst out of Todd at the words.

He sobered quickly, however, his brow furrowing in that way it did when he was trying to work out a particularly complex puzzle.

“Wait--I don’t get it.” Todd spoke, finally, and turned to cock his head in Tina’s direction. “How--”

“Amanda told me.” Tina interrupted immediately with shrug. 

“Of course.” Todd rolled his eyes histrionically, though there was a small smirk quirking at the edge of his mouth. “She would.”

“Sorry, man.” Tina grimaced slightly. “I didn’t think that it was a touchy subject.”

“It’s fine.” Todd dismissed easily, and leaned back down so that his head was rested comfortably against Dirk’s shoulder, again. “It really isn’t. It’s just stupid.”

“I still think it’s great.” Farah chimed in, leaning back against Tina’s leg and taking a long sip from her beer.

“Whatever,” Todd rolled his eyes again, though his cheeks had begun to dimple slightly with the force of his smile.

“It’s not stupid.” Dirk argued gently, looping one arm around Todd’s small shoulders and nudging him closer. “It’s dignified.”

“Whate--” Todd began again, though the remainder of the word was swallowed by another long yawn.

“I’m gonna put on a movie.” Farah declared, standing and brushing Tina’s leg off her shoulder with a small smirk. “You two staying?”

“Only if we’re allowed.” Todd drawled, casting Farah a small smirk and quirking his brow pointedly.

“Shut up,” Farah shot back warmly, extending a hand to tangle briefly in Todd’s hair as she strode toward the kitchen.

Immediately, Tina shot to her feet and followed hot on Farah’s heels.

“Do you have the good popcorn seasoning?” she inquired, bouncing slightly as she began rifling through the cabinets above the stove.

“Above the fridge.” Farah informed, turning to cast a warm grin over her shoulder.

“We might stay for a bit, if it’s alright?” Dirk inquired, peering over the back of the sofa to offer Farah a somewhat pleading expression.

If Farah was picking the movie, it was bound to be something entertaining.

(More entertaining, at any rate, than the ridiculous indie films Todd tended to lean toward, when it was his turn to pick the feature).

“Of course,” Farah replied, already rustling through the cabinets to her right. “Popcorn?”

“Ugh,” Todd groaned, frowning slightly at the idea of more food and curling marginally further in on himself.

It was another thing they were working on, Dirk reasoned with himself. Todd had practically conditioned himself to live on a steady diet of toast, ramen, and coffee, over the past year or so of his life.

And he was already small enough as it was…

“Please!” Dirk cried, rolling his eyes at Todd’s affronted expression.

“You don’t have to eat it.” Dirk hummed, turning slightly to bury his face into the soft curls at the crown of Todd’s head. “ _God…_ ”

“What?” Todd inquired, immediately, his eyes raising to flicker uncertainly over Dirk’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing!” Dirk was quick to reassure, running his hand soothingly over Todd’s opposite arm. “Nothing at all. I just…”

He paused, and found that he was quite unable to stop the wide and somewhat wondrous smile overtaking his features. “I can’t believe I get to have this. Just--I get to hold you like this. Like this!” he emphasised, and pressed a long kiss to the freckles scattered across Todd’s forehead. “Anytime I want.” he breathed against the skin there.

Todd froze slightly, before inhaling a tremulous breath and shooting forward to wrap both arms tightly around Dirk’s waist.

“Mmm...love you.” he murmured, his face firmly buried into Dirk’s collar, the words so low that Dirk had to strain to make them out.

He _was_ able to make them out, nonetheless, and, though it wasn’t the first time Todd had said the words, Dirk still felt his heart stutter madly at the sound of them.

“Okay, weirdos.” Tina cried, suddenly skirting dramatically around their sofa to plop herself back into her chair with a bowl full of popcorn. “I’m not watching this movie with you if you’re just gonna make out the whole time.”

“Like you have room to talk.” Todd snorted, before Dirk could reply, and he didn’t budge from where he was pressed snugly up against his side, to Dirk’s delight.

“Rude! So rude!” Farah cried, depositing a bowl of popcorn into Dirk’s lap before waltzing over to seat herself at Tina’s feet, again, her small smile widening when Tina’s hands immediately found her shoulders and began messaging lightly at the muscles there.

“You’re all ridiculous.” Dirk chimed in matter-of-factly, and turned to pin Farah with a small and inquiring smile. “Can we please watch a comedy?”

Todd groaned, and Dirk had to fight back a wide grin at the predictable reaction.

“We’ll try and find something we all like.” Farah compromised, and began scrolling through the selection on Netflix.

Tina began to chime in about a film she’d been wanting to see, though Dirk hardly heard her, his attention drawn back to where Todd’s eyes were already drooping shut as he sagged against Dirk’s side.

“We don’t have to watch the whole thing.” Dirk murmured, leaning down to press another soft kiss to Todd’s forehead.

“S’fine.” Todd dismissed with a weary shrug. “Farah’s used to me falling asleep. Just--” he paused, his brow furrowing and his mouth turning down into a small frown.

“I’ll wake you.” Dirk assured, completely confident in his knowledge of what Todd was trying to convey with the lack of words. “I won’t leave.”

“I know,” Todd replied simply, as if completely sure of the fact, and glanced up to smile wearily in Dirk’s direction.

Dirk felt his heart flip at the sight, and leaned down to rest his cheek gently atop Todd’s head, his arm tightening slightly around the smaller man’s shoulders.

“Love you,” he whispered, a warm contentedness blossoming in his chest as Todd burrowed impossibly closer.

“I know.” Todd murmured, sounding almost surprised and a little wonderstruck by how easily he’d accepted the words.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap!  
> again, the world's _biggest_ thank you to those of you who ever commented, left kudos, or read this dumb little hallmark movie script of a fic. I love writing shameless fluff and cozy domestic aus are such a delight. i'm glad that there are at least a few of you who seemed to enjoy!
> 
> my blog info is below and, though i might not always be the best at responding or getting to them right away, i'm always ready to hear your fic requests!! 
> 
> much love to you all xx

**Author's Note:**

> basically, i just wanted to write a dumb, Hallmark movie-esque, awkward romance between these two. this is what happened.
> 
> (this was supposed to be a fun and care free one-shot...)
> 
> (as usual, you can find me [here!](http://elijahwoodnot.tumblr.com) feel free to drop me a line!)


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